It’s no secret that kids, particularly siblings, have a natural talent for sparking conflicts. In my household, the usual culprits are hunger, jealousy, and fatigue. Tempers can flare, hurtful words can be exchanged, and before you know it, things begin to escalate. A simple snack or some quiet time can often restore peace, but as children mature, their disputes take on a deeper emotional significance—relationships with friends, teachers, and coaches become more complex. They desire and expect more from their interactions. Yet, when disagreements occur, anxiety and fear often follow. It is crucial that we equip our children with the skills to navigate confrontation, regardless of whether we ourselves are comfortable with conflict.
I personally lean into confrontation. For me, addressing issues head-on alleviates lingering anxiety and tension. I prefer to resolve matters quickly rather than allowing them to fester. I tend to communicate openly to express my feelings and clarify misunderstandings. Yet, I recognize that not everyone feels this way; for some, the thought of conflict can trigger anxiety or panic. What’s important is considering how we want our children to handle conflict as they grow. I aim for my kids to develop assertiveness and effective communication skills, so they can confidently manage confrontations on their own.
Solving their problems for them won’t help. We need our children to learn to face conflict independently, with our guidance. One of the first strategies I teach them is to use “I” statements when addressing issues. Kids often default to blaming others for their feelings, which doesn’t foster constructive dialogue. Instead, I encourage them to express their emotions using phrases like, “I feel [emotion] when you [action].” This approach helps diffuse blame and opens the door to understanding.
Additionally, I remind my kids to take a moment to breathe and plan. What do they want to communicate? What outcome do they hope for? Understanding potential reactions and consequences is essential. It’s natural to feel fear when faced with confrontation, and it’s important to reassure them that feeling uncomfortable does not mean they are unsafe.
In a podcast episode titled “In The Heat Of The Moment,” Julie Woodzicka discusses the mental process we go through before confronting someone. We must determine if our feelings warrant confrontation and plan how to approach the situation. The actual confrontation is often the most challenging part.
Confrontation can be emotionally taxing, and it’s vital to acknowledge this. Avoiding conflict often leads to more significant issues. When we suppress our feelings, we prioritize others’ emotions over our own, which breeds resentment and frustration. This can damage relationships and hinder our ability to connect with others. When conflicts are ignored for too long, they tend to escalate rather than resolve.
Despite its challenges, confrontation has significant benefits. It can lead to genuine solutions. For instance, my daughter, Lily, was struggling with a homework assignment and felt anxious about presenting it. She feared asking her teacher for an extension. I encouraged her to devise a plan for how to communicate her needs. Initially hesitant, she eventually agreed to approach her teacher with my support. Although nervous, she successfully expressed her concerns and advocated for an adjustment. Though she didn’t get everything she wanted, the outcome was satisfactory, and I witnessed a sense of relief wash over her. This experience illustrated that conflict can provide an opportunity for both expression and listening.
Don’t hesitate to model conflict resolution in front of your children. While disagreements should not turn into shouting matches, they do show that confrontation is part of life. Demonstrating how we handle these situations teaches our children the value of having a voice and the importance of expressing their truth. With practice, navigating conflict can become less daunting and lead to greater success in their future interactions.