I’ve always been someone who shies away from taking medication. If there are alternatives to address an issue, I prefer to explore those first. Even for a headache, I usually skip over Tylenol or Advil. Medication was always my last option.
However, two months ago, I reached my breaking point with my anxiety and depression. I made the difficult decision to visit my doctor, and for the first time, I voiced my darkest thoughts: “I constantly think about ending my life.” I needed to share this burden with someone who could truly help me. I feared that my persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and overwhelming anxiety would eventually lead me to act on those thoughts, and I didn’t want that to happen.
When I spoke to my doctor, it felt like a huge relief. She didn’t judge me or dismiss my feelings, and she didn’t jump to hospitalize me or remove my children. Instead, she looked directly at me and reassured me, “It’s okay. We all need a little help sometimes. You’re not crazy for feeling this way.” I desperately needed to hear that, especially when I felt so lost.
Despite having good things in my life, I struggled to understand why I felt this way for so long. It’s often said that people who contemplate suicide don’t genuinely wish to die; they simply want to escape their pain. That’s precisely how I felt — overwhelmed by depression and anxiety, and worried about the impact on my loved ones.
Many people take medication for anxiety and depression, and I had been advised to try it myself. I had attempted it twice before. Six years ago, I only lasted two weeks on medication because it made me feel worse. The second time, three years ago, it quickly eliminated my anxiety but left me emotionally numb. That numbness was more unbearable than the anxiety itself.
So when I decided to try medication again, I was understandably cautious. I was warned that I might feel “off” in the beginning and that it could take a month to see any improvement. I scheduled a follow-up appointment for four weeks later and began taking the medication that same day.
What I didn’t anticipate was that I wouldn’t feel better in the initial week. Instead of just feeling a bit off, I experienced intense nausea and headaches that were worse than any hangover I’d ever had. I felt dizzy and unable to concentrate, almost like I was intoxicated. I spent most of those days in bed, apologizing to my husband and kids for my condition, and lost seven pounds in just five days. Despite my discomfort, the longing to feel better kept me committed to taking the medication.
Once that first week passed, I did start to feel an improvement, but I was completely drained. More fatigued than I had been during sleepless nights with newborns. I found it hard to get through the day without napping, and even after resting, I would still go to bed earlier than usual. Even six weeks in, I was perpetually tired, regardless of how much sleep I got.
This constant exhaustion affected my ability to cook, clean, work from home, and spend time with my family, leading to more stress than before. I felt like I was trading one set of problems for another, but I knew which battle was more crucial to fight.
What I didn’t realize was that making the decision to seek help would be one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. Many people think that taking a magical pill will instantly fix everything. They expect boundless energy, motivation, and an end to suicidal thoughts. That was my hope too, but the reality is often different. You may feel worse before you feel better, but eventually, you notice small shifts in your mood and outlook.
You might find yourself at Target, suddenly aware that you didn’t feel as anxious about the people around you. You’ll realize you didn’t cry in the car today, imagining tragic scenarios. There will be moments when you realize you haven’t thought about suicide in days. Those small victories are significant.
When you return to your follow-up appointment feeling like you’re still struggling, you might discover how many subtle changes have taken place. You’ll recognize that anxiety and depression may always be part of your life, but they can lessen over time. The fatigue won’t last forever, and those small improvements will culminate into larger progress.
Finding a supportive doctor is crucial, as is figuring out the best combination of treatments for you — whether it’s therapy, medication, exercise, or something else. Stick with your plan even when it feels challenging. Surround yourself with supportive people who want to help you. Remember, your life is valuable.
If you’re interested in further insights on this topic, check out this blog post, which discusses the process of seeking help in more detail. You can also find excellent resources at Parents for those exploring the journey of pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, seeking help for anxiety and depression through medication can be a challenging yet transformative journey. It’s important to recognize that the path to feeling better may not be smooth, but with patience, support, and the right approach, significant improvements are possible.