As a parent of three, I’ve witnessed firsthand how different children, whether neurotypical or not, respond to direct instruction. With 15 years of experience working with neurodiverse children, I’ve discovered that certain approaches work better than others when guiding behavior.
Frequently, I overhear parents saying things like:
- “Don’t touch that.”
- “Stop.”
- “Quit it.”
- “Don’t do that!”
My immediate reaction is often, “What exactly should they not touch? What should they stop?” This is where my insight comes in.
Adults can easily grasp opposites—up versus down, in versus out, hot versus cold. However, young children, especially those with neurodiversity, struggle with this concept. It’s simply too complex for them. For instance, if I say, “Don’t stand up,” most adults would think, “I should stay seated.” But for kids, this process involves multiple cognitive steps that can be overwhelming.
When I say something vague like “Stop that!”, children might be engaged in several activities at once. Should they stop eating? Twirling their hair? Humming? The ambiguity makes it challenging for them to understand what exactly they need to do differently.
Instead, a more effective strategy is to clearly articulate what you want your child to do. For example:
- If my child is hitting because they think it’s funny, I might say, “Please use nice hands.”
- If my kid is screaming indoors, I can say, “Use your inside voice, or we can go outside to yell.”
- If I see my oldest about to pounce on their sibling, I’ll remind them, “Make good choices, please.”
By specifying desired actions, we eliminate confusion and provide clear expectations. This approach not only clarifies what we want but also maintains a positive tone, reducing the chances of triggering their fight or flight response. When children feel calm, they can think more clearly.
Moreover, it’s crucial to note that I said “tell” and not “ask.” Phrasing your request as a command—like “Use nice hands”—is more effective than asking, “Can you use nice hands?” because children might simply respond with a “No.”
By reformulating our requests, we can communicate more effectively with both neurotypical and neurodiverse children. You may be surprised at how this small change can make a significant difference in your interactions.
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In summary, rather than telling kids what not to do, focus on clearly stating what you want them to do. This straightforward approach will help eliminate confusion and foster better behavior.