As my partner and I celebrated our 40th birthdays this year, we found ourselves reflecting on the ups and downs of life—particularly the regrets we hold. A few moments from our past stood out as experiences we wish we’d approached differently. For instance, I abandoned a challenging piano program, while he didn’t achieve the rank of Eagle Scout. These instances, along with many others, made us realize that our tendency to quit when things got tough may have set a precedent for future decisions.
Regret, when acknowledged, can serve as a powerful teacher, revealing truths about ourselves and fostering connections with others. Dr. Brené Brown, a notable sociologist, aptly states, “Regret is a fair but tough teacher.” So why is the mantra of “no regrets” so widespread, boasting 3.9 million posts on Instagram with the hashtag #noregrets? The fact is, mistakes are a part of life. Ignoring regret doesn’t erase it; it merely increases the likelihood of repeating the same errors.
I understand the allure of claiming “no regrets.” It exudes confidence and suggests every choice is the right one. However, denying regret can leave us feeling ungrounded. As someone who works in communications, I recognize the weight that words carry. This is why the idea of “no regrets” troubles me—it’s a dismissal of genuine experiences. As parents, we have a responsibility to help our kids acknowledge and process their regrets constructively. Here are three ways we can guide our children in navigating this terrain:
1. Acknowledging Regret Earns Respect
Why is this important? Because everyone experiences regret. Encourage your kids to consider celebrities, athletes, or leaders who often make excuses or downplay their mistakes. Do they truly respect them? Likely not. By openly recognizing our missteps, we demonstrate to our children that it’s honorable to embrace failures just as we celebrate successes.
2. Distinguishing Between Lessons and Regrets
I want my children to be adventurous and willing to step out of their comfort zones. They will inevitably face failures. When this happens, it’s crucial for them to reflect: Did I give my best effort? If so, they should feel proud, regardless of the outcome. However, if they realize their failure stemmed from poor choices—like procrastination leading to low grades or neglecting a friendship—they should ask themselves, “What could I have done differently?” and “How can I make a better choice next time?”
3. Moving Forward
It’s essential to create an environment where our kids feel comfortable sharing their regrets with us, allowing us to help them reflect on their experiences without shame. According to regret researcher Neal Roese, regret is often one of the strongest negative emotions among younger individuals because it drives them to improve. In his book If Only, he asserts, “Regret is good.” It’s a natural part of our brain’s quest for understanding and growth. We should encourage our children to name their regrets as a starting point, but also remind them that they don’t have to dwell on them. If necessary, they can seek forgiveness from others, forgive themselves, and then move on.
By transforming regret into a tool for growth, we’re helping our children become individuals who take ownership of their mistakes and emerge with the wisdom to make better choices in the future.
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Summary
The concept of “no regrets” can be misleading, as it encourages avoidance of important emotional experiences. Instead, acknowledging and learning from regrets can foster growth and understanding in children. By guiding kids to embrace their mistakes and reflect on their choices, we can help them develop resilience and integrity.