As a teenager, I often felt like I was living in the shadows. If my interests strayed from societal norms, I pushed them deep down. I became fixated on perfection, whether it was in academics, body image, or any area of my life, all while concealing the parts of myself that I thought others would find unappealing. I muted my true self as I endured the mental, emotional, and physical struggles that marked much of my childhood. How I longed for an adult in my life who offered a safe space where I could be my authentic self without fear of judgment.
Although my parents loved me, they didn’t have the tools to help me navigate the tumultuous teenage years. My father often buried his own feelings, which inadvertently instilled in me a fear of expressing mine. He was so engrossed in work that meaningful connections were scarce. If I didn’t perform perfectly in school or at extracurriculars, he’d highlight my flaws and then pit me against my younger sibling who was struggling, which only heightened my anxiety to excel.
My mother, who stayed home with us as kids, didn’t always provide the safe haven I needed. When I began to explore my identity, her fear often manifested as criticism. Discussions about weight gain or changes in my appearance became fraught with tension. My exploration of romantic interests outside of traditional norms was met with disapproval, reinforcing the idea that I should conform to her expectations.
Now, as a mother to two children and a stepmom to one, I recognize how beneficial it would have been for my parents to create a supportive environment for me. If they had shown me the unconditional love I needed, perhaps I wouldn’t have struggled with an eating disorder or developed an addiction to diet pills. The weight of shame might not have followed me into adulthood, nor would I be coping with complex PTSD.
Watching my stepdaughter, who is nearly 14, face her own challenges reminds me of my younger self. She, too, seems to tie her self-worth to academic success and the approval of those around her. Following a decision to move closer to family for support, she is now primarily in the care of her mom and stepdad. While she has adults who care about her, I worry about whether she feels safe to express her true self at home.
Navigating the transition into adolescence is daunting enough without added pressures of mental health struggles and identity exploration. Ideally, she should feel secure knowing that every parental figure in her life will support and accept her through this challenging time. Yet, I often see her hesitate when her true desires clash with expectations.
Thanks to extensive therapy, I have learned to be the safe space for myself that I needed as a teenager. However, it’s crucial that young people don’t have to wait until adulthood to experience the comfort of being vulnerable with those closest to them. Teens must trust that their parents will stand by them, no matter what difficulties arise. They deserve a judgment-free environment to explore their identities and make mistakes without fear of rejection.
In a recent article, parenting expert Lisa Damour captures the essence of this sentiment in her book Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood. She shares a poignant image of a young girl falling into water, which resonates deeply with the emotions I felt during my teenage years. She emphasizes that daughters need a dependable presence—“a wall to swim to”—during their turbulent journey. Unfortunately, some parents, hurt by their teens’ rejections, withdraw and become emotionally unavailable, leaving their children to navigate treacherous waters alone.
Damour’s insights are essential reading for any parent, as every child deserves a family that won’t abandon them emotionally during their most vulnerable moments. Our children need us to remain steady while they grapple with their growing independence. It’s natural for them to withdraw, and we must find our own support systems outside of them to cope with our discomfort.
To help create that supportive environment, experts suggest three key strategies: be aware of our own emotional triggers, avoid pushing ourselves to exhaustion, and encourage our teens to seek support from a variety of adults. After all, in a world where young people often feel like they’re floundering, it’s vital for them to know they can find refuge in their parents.
Reflecting on my own experiences, I don’t want my stepdaughter to feel she has to hide her true self out of fear of judgment at home. I strive to be a source of support and reassurance, reminding her that I will love her unconditionally, no matter her choices. By doing so, I hope to help her forge a path that feels authentically hers.
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In summary, it’s crucial for parents to understand their role as a safety net for their teenagers. By fostering an environment of unconditional love and acceptance, we can help our youth navigate the complexities of adolescence without fear.