My eldest child had a phase where she was a biter. Whenever the atmosphere shifted from calm to chaotic, she would resort to biting. I vividly recall the time we watched a toddler for a few weeks to help his mother, and my daughter bit him more than once.
As you can imagine, we were horrified. Having a child who bites brings on anxiety for both the parents of the biter and the parents of the bitten. Some well-meaning folks suggested that we should retaliate by biting her back—a “taste of her own medicine” approach, if you will. But that didn’t sit right with me. While her behavior was certainly inappropriate, I found myself asking, “What’s the underlying reason for this?”
The answer was clear: my daughter had been the center of our world until her baby brother arrived. Suddenly, her toys were being shared, her nursery was no longer just hers, and her mom’s attention was divided. Biting was her way of saying, “This is not okay!” It was confusing for her to go from being our one and only to sharing the spotlight.
At that age, children have limited ways to express themselves and are often consumed by their own needs. Their feelings are overwhelmingly intense—one minute they’re giggling, and the next, they’re throwing a tantrum. It’s a whirlwind of emotions, with “no” being their favorite word and “flopping to the floor” being their go-to move when they don’t want to cooperate.
To address the biting, we introduced a board book titled “Teeth Are Not For Biting,” which we read repeatedly. Ultimately, her biting subsided once the toddler left our care, but then we faced new challenges with the arrival of her younger sibling.
Now that I have four children, I’m grateful I didn’t heed the advice to retaliate. Instead, I discovered a far more effective approach—connective parenting. When my eldest was about five, and I had a three-year-old and a one-year-old, I stumbled upon this concept. Having grown up in a household where “bad behavior” was met with punishment like time-outs or spankings, I initially viewed connective parenting as somewhat naïve. My mental image was filled with peace signs and rainbows, and I had reservations about its effectiveness.
However, with three young children underfoot, chaos reigned, and we realized we needed a more consistent approach. We found ourselves reacting to our kids’ behaviors rather than proactively addressing their needs, and it simply wasn’t working.
Connective parenting—similar to attachment parenting—focuses on understanding the reasons behind a child’s actions instead of labeling the behavior. Is the child tired, hungry, or feeling anxious? Sometimes, the emotions at play involve jealousy or confusion. We became like detectives, investigating what might have recently triggered a particular behavior.
While this approach isn’t foolproof—kids can be perplexing, and we don’t always uncover the “why”—it fundamentally transforms how we interact with our children. In our home, we prioritize connecting with our kids before addressing their behavior. This means making eye contact, using calm voices, and offering gentle touches. Once we identify the emotional storm brewing inside them, we can then guide them toward correction, which is what we consider discipline.
This doesn’t mean we excuse their actions. Having been a college instructor, I’ve encountered many students who felt entitled and had excuses for their choices, often blaming others for their own mistakes. I’m committed to raising respectful and accountable children. After we help our kids calm down and address their feelings, we discuss their actions and ask, “What do you think should happen next?”
Typically, this leads to an apology. They learn to apologize by making eye contact and expressing what they did wrong—like, “I’m sorry for throwing your toy in anger.” Often, they hug it out, and we move on. In some cases, they might even write a letter or send a text.
One significant advantage of this approach is that we avoid delayed punishments, which often breed negativity and punish children for simply feeling emotions. If kids authentically apologize and rectify their actions, no additional discipline is necessary. However, they may still face natural consequences for their actions. If a toy gets broken due to anger, for example, I don’t rush to replace it.
Connective parenting means addressing the root of the issue rather than merely the symptoms. We all have tough days, so why should we punish our kids for expressing their feelings? If we teach them to suppress their emotions and respond with time-outs or grounding, we send the unhealthy message that they should disregard their feelings.
As adults, we often cope with our challenging days by treating ourselves to a favorite coffee, binge-watching TV, or even seeking professional help. Connective parenting allows children to navigate their struggles, recalibrate their emotions, and start anew.
For more insights on parenting, you might want to check out this article on home insemination. If you’re interested in more authoritative information on this topic, visit intracervical insemination. For comprehensive resources on pregnancy, the CDC offers valuable information at CDC Pregnancy.
In summary, setting boundaries with our children is crucial, but it’s equally important to acknowledge and validate their feelings. By adopting connective parenting, we can nurture our child’s emotional well-being while still encouraging accountability.