As a middle-aged white mother who often discusses social justice online, I find myself navigating a landscape filled with conservatives—whether they are coworkers, extended family, or friends. It’s a challenge to maintain relationships with people whose lifestyles mirror mine but whose values diverge significantly.
Recently, I struck up a friendly rapport with a mom at my son’s preschool. We seemed like we could become close friends, but when I wore a t-shirt that read “Coffee, Books, and Social Justice,” she remarked, “Oh, I can tell we would never agree on politics, but I’d be open to listening to you.” It struck me as ironic that social justice—a concept centered on equality and fairness—has been relegated to a liberal label. Wearing that shirt seemed to signal to my community that I belong to a different faction.
When I share my thoughts on social media, I often receive private messages from mostly white men inviting me for coffee to discuss these topics. I genuinely want to engage with those who hold different views, as I believe that much of the division in our society stems from our inability to listen and learn from each other. However, I’m cautious about the intentions behind these invitations.
If we cannot agree on fundamental principles of human dignity, such as the existence of systemic racism, white privilege, and gender diversity, then conversing seems pointless. Many of these discussions feel like setups designed to dismantle my arguments rather than foster genuine curiosity and understanding.
So, to avoid wasting anyone’s time, I’ve laid out some ground rules for political discussions, especially as we approach another election year.
I would love to meet for coffee and have an open dialogue. If you wish to discuss immigration reform, I’m all ears. I believe we can agree that our systems need significant improvement. But if your solution revolves around exclusion rather than inclusivity, we have nothing to talk about. If you condone detaining children or advocate for white Americans to “adopt” children of color under the guise of deportation (which is essentially child trafficking), I’m not interested in that conversation. We cannot have constructive dialogue when we dehumanize those in need.
If you want to address racial tensions in our country, I’m willing to listen, but you must do the necessary work. This means genuinely listening to people of color and acknowledging history. If you celebrate a black man’s forgiveness towards his brother’s white killer but refuse to recognize the legitimate fears black people have towards law enforcement, we aren’t going to make progress.
Should you want to discuss spiritual beliefs, I’m here for it. However, if your theology excludes individuals based on gender or sexual orientation, I’ll have to step away. If you see Trump’s presidency as divinely sanctioned and his policies as aligned with Christian values, we lack common ground.
On the topic of being pro-life, I can listen, but I struggle with this too. I’m open to exploring questions about when life begins, but if your stance lacks nuance or consideration for maternal health, I am not engaged.
If healthcare reform is on your mind, I’m all for listening. I believe healthcare is a basic human right and am willing to consider various solutions. However, if you think it’s acceptable for access to medical care to depend on one’s ability to pay exorbitant premiums, I cannot participate in that discussion.
Regarding cultural changes and language shifts, I’m open to dialogue. I understand that it can be challenging to grasp the concept that gender is a spectrum. Yet, if you refuse to recognize the humanity behind these issues, our conversation is futile.
When it comes to gun rights, I’ll listen, despite not believing that the Second Amendment grants unlimited ownership rights. However, if you can’t acknowledge that my right to send my children to school without fear outweighs your right to own an AR-15, we have reached an impasse. If your response to mass shootings is merely “thoughts and prayers,” you’re wasting my time.
I anticipate some will react defensively to my words, and that’s okay. How people respond reflects more on them than on me. It’s vital to be open to difficult conversations while also maintaining firm boundaries that respect the dignity of all individuals.
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In summary, engaging in political discussions requires mutual respect and a foundation of shared values. Without these, meaningful dialogue becomes nearly impossible.