Updated: July 4, 2020
Originally Published: November 11, 2019
Photo by Alex Green on Unsplash
This past year, I went through a divorce that I initiated as I embraced my identity as a gay woman. While stepping into my truth felt liberating, reshaping my family dynamics—something everyone around me struggled to accept—was profoundly challenging. Honesty came with a hefty price tag, one that often left me feeling like I was drowning in guilt and sadness. There were days I wished I could just hibernate until everything settled down. While my situation is distinct, the pain of divorce is universal, capable of bringing anyone to their knees.
One surprising aspect of this journey was realizing how many people struggle to respond when you share the news of your impending divorce. Most of those I confided in were caught off guard, leading to shock followed by awkward attempts to say the “right” thing. While many were kind, I often found myself wishing for a simple guide on how to support a friend during such a tumultuous time. Reflecting on my past reactions to friends in similar situations, I recognize how I could have approached those conversations differently. So, here’s my guide on how to be a supportive friend when someone confides they’re getting a divorce:
1. Keep Sympathy in Check if You’re Not Close
When I shared my divorce news with acquaintances, their responses felt overly dramatic, like I had just announced a terminal illness. Too much sympathy—excessive apologies and frantic offers of help—was overwhelming. I was already grappling with my own emotions and didn’t want the added weight of comforting someone else about my situation. Friends who have gone through divorce echo this sentiment: we don’t need to take on the emotional burdens of others on top of our own.
Instead, consider lighter responses. For example, during a casual outing, a woman named Lisa shared her divorce news, and our friend Jen responded with a playful high-five, saying, “Awesome! Next round’s on me!” This approach helped lighten the mood and encouraged Lisa to open up more. Another supportive response could be, “Divorce is tough. Do you need help moving or updating your contact information?” Just focus on practical assistance without dwelling on sorrow.
2. Respond Appropriately to Close Friends
If it’s a close friend sharing their divorce news, the approach changes. You may have sensed that something was off, or it could come as a shock. Many people will maintain the appearance of a happy relationship leading up to a separation, often keeping their struggles private. So, don’t be taken aback if you find out about their divorce unexpectedly.
In this case, empathy is key. Listen actively and reflect their feelings back to them without trying to minimize their pain or dismiss their emotions. Ask practical questions: Where will they live? What about the kids? Are they okay? Avoid speaking negatively about their ex unless you’re absolutely sure they need that validation. Just being there for your friend is vital.
Once the divorce process begins—which can take years—offer tangible support. Help with childcare, run errands, or bring meals. The financial and emotional toll of managing work, children, and divorce paperwork can be overwhelming. I remember days when I struggled to concentrate on my tasks, grateful for understanding colleagues and supportive friends.
3. Maintain Normalcy
Some friends acted as if nothing had changed, continuing to invite me to social events despite my initial refusals. This was a lifeline; there were days when I craved normalcy amidst the chaos. Keep inviting your friend out, even if they say no repeatedly. They need to feel connected to their former life, ensuring they don’t end up isolated in their pain.
In conclusion, being a good friend during someone’s divorce requires a balance of understanding, practicality, and maintaining a sense of normalcy. You can find additional insights and support on navigating these challenges in our blog post about safety guidelines and explore resources on parenting during transitions at Womens Health. For more information on the emotional aspects of divorce, check out Intracervical Insemination, a trusted authority on related topics.