I feel like a stranger in my own community. On one side, there are my old friends who remain devout and steadfast in their faith. They embody the ideal Mormon values. On the other hand, I’ve made new friends who have never been part of that life, living freely without the constraints of my former religion. It’s a lonely position; I struggle to find anyone who truly understands my experience.
Having been raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I went through all the typical steps. I attended Sunday school and seminary, was married to my husband in the temple, and he performed blessings for our children. Although we weren’t the most active couple, we completed the necessary rituals to maintain appearances for our families. In the Mormon world, there’s little room for half-measures—you’re either fully committed or you’re out. We were committed; I thought we truly believed.
That all changed when we discovered the Mormon Stories Podcast. It was a revelation. We spent countless evenings listening to others who had once been true believers but had since left the church for various reasons—issues like the 2015 exclusion policy affecting children of LGBTQ families, the church’s treatment of the LGBTQ community, or the troubling aspects of church history.
What struck me the most were the lies—manipulation and greed that seemed to run rampant within the church. I began to see the organization as more sinful than its individual members.
We dove deep into church history for months, fascinated yet frustrated. How could I have ever believed this? How could anyone? Just a few months earlier, I felt secure in my faith, but everything began to crumble. I felt both relief and heartache. As a Mormon, I was taught that being married in the temple meant being sealed to my family for eternity. Now, I grapple with the painful question of whether I will see my family after death.
Being around the Mormon community has become increasingly difficult. Their lives are so entwined with the church, while I’ve broken free from its hold. Some people don’t know I’ve left, but I sense they might suspect. My family is aware, but my husband’s family is not; he fears their reaction, and I can understand why. Many people who leave are completely cut off.
There’s also the stigma that comes with leaving. You’re often viewed as cowardly, someone who couldn’t handle the church’s demands or simply wanted to indulge in sin. You become an apostate. But this stereotype is far from the truth for most who leave. It’s incredibly challenging to engage in “forbidden” activities after spending years adhering to strict rules.
In the year since I made my departure, I’ve finally found the courage to wear a tank top in public. It took several attempts, but I did it. I’ve even learned how to order at Starbucks. Small victories feel monumental.
This brings me back to my original point: I feel like I don’t belong in my community anymore. I can’t fully embrace my new self around my Mormon friends. There’s an unspoken tension; some might even think it’s sinful to associate with someone who has left the faith. If I were to crack open a White Claw in front of them, there’s a good chance they would either faint or storm out.
I’m trying to build relationships with my new friends, but they don’t understand the joy I feel at being invited to grab coffee for the first time at 33. They don’t comprehend my insecurity about wearing a cold shoulder top or my struggles in choosing a wine. They don’t see the enormity of what I’ve lost. My life’s foundation has crumbled to dust, and I’m left figuring out how to rebuild.
If there’s one takeaway from my experience, it’s this: If you know someone going through a faith crisis, no matter their religion, recognize that it’s an incredibly challenging journey. Trust me, it’s one of the hardest things they will ever face.
I will continue to navigate the remnants of my former beliefs. I refuse to pretend to be someone I’m not. I want to model integrity for my children, showing them they can be true to themselves too.
It’s okay to lack a community, as long as I hold on to my integrity.
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Summary
This article shares the emotional journey of leaving the Mormon Church, detailing the feelings of isolation that come with stepping away from a deeply ingrained belief system. The author reflects on the challenges of rebuilding their identity and understanding their place in a community that no longer feels like home.