I spend my days writing online, sharing bits of my life in hopes of creating connections and fostering a sense of community. Each week, I dedicate hours to crafting personal essays that resonate with others. I know that when my work goes live, I’ll inevitably face criticism from unhappy individuals. I’ve come to accept that as part of the job.
As someone who writes about living in a larger body, I find myself exposed to strong opinions. Fatphobia is prevalent, and misguided concerns about health are a constant reality. I could easily stockpile a lifetime supply of weight loss products if I accepted even a fraction of the unsolicited offers I receive.
While I can brush off most negativity, there’s one thing I’m extremely tired of ignoring: unsolicited sexual messages from men.
Sadly, these communications aren’t always flattering. As a woman in a larger body, I receive my fair share of body-shaming remarks that are intentionally cruel. One person once told me he’d rather cut off his own penis than be intimate with me, while another claimed my body was a “waste of my pretty face.” Yet another rude individual insisted I needed to “lose weight or die in a fire” so my husband could be with “a woman instead of a beast.”
Frankly, I can’t understand why these men think I’d care about their opinions. I’m happily married to an amazing man who loves me just as I am. My worth shouldn’t hinge on the validation of a man. Respect should come simply because I am a human being, deserving of decency.
Even if I were single, anyone capable of such cruelty would never have a place in my life—no matter how attractive they might be. I would choose solitude over being with a man who disrespects other women for his own amusement.
Most importantly, strangers have no right to comment on my desirability or their own sexual interests without my consent. Even negative remarks about a woman’s body and attractiveness fall into the category of unwelcome sexual communication. They need to stop.
But to be completely honest, it’s not the insults that make me feel uneasy. It’s the men who lead with explicit photos or graphic descriptions of what they want to do to my body that truly make me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.
So, if you’re one of those men reading this, please take a moment to listen. Let’s skip the “not all men” conversation. If this doesn’t apply to you, then I’m not addressing you. If you’re a decent guy who respects boundaries, keep it up. Encourage your friends to do better.
It’s true that not all men engage in this behavior, but far too many do, and that’s why this message is necessary. I urge you to listen without becoming defensive.
Sending unsolicited sexual messages is never an acceptable way to interact with women. I’ve spoken with hundreds of women about their experiences with unexpected sexual messages. Over half found them annoying and laughable, dismissing the sender as a loser. They aren’t intrigued or interested afterward.
However, many women reported feeling jarring upset from these messages, with some survivors of sexual assault noting that these unexpected advances trigger past trauma. While some women might be open to sexting with someone they’re interested in, not a single one said they welcome unsolicited sexual content.
In essence, when you send an explicit photo or a crude message, you risk becoming a running joke among her friends. You could forever be “the guy with the awkward penis.” Is that what you want?
The bigger problem is that you have no idea whether the woman you message will be amused or truly disturbed. One woman explained that her mood can dictate her reaction; what annoys her one day might deeply hurt her another.
Regardless of your intention, uninvited sexual communications are irritating at best. They are not compliments. It’s possible you didn’t realize your messages could come off as aggressive or threatening, but now you know.
Honestly, it’s not our job to educate men on how to treat women with respect. You’ve had ample time to learn how not to be inappropriate. If you’re sending unwanted sexual messages, you need to recognize that it’s unacceptable behavior.
If I haven’t consented to any sexual conversation with you, then communicating sexual desires is simply wrong. Your penis and your sexual interests shouldn’t intrude into my life without an invitation.
Now, don’t panic. I’m not saying you should never engage in sexting again. When both parties consent, it can be a fun and fulfilling experience. But jumping straight into explicit content without the other person’s agreement? Not okay.
Ask yourself: Who do you think you are? I don’t deserve to receive messages that feel intrusive simply because I’m a woman. I’ve built the life I want, and your unsolicited advances aren’t part of it.
Whether your message is a compliment or an insult, explicit or vague, the bottom line is the same: forcing a sexual dialogue on someone who hasn’t agreed to it is wrong. Always.
Before you send that next unsolicited message, think about how it might affect a woman’s mental and emotional well-being. It’s exhausting dealing with such disrespect. We deserve to feel safe, and you owe it to us—and to yourself—to be better.
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In summary, unsolicited sexual messages are never acceptable. We deserve respect and safety, and it’s time for men to step up and ensure they are fostering a culture of consent.