My phone buzzed at 7 a.m. this morning. I’d already been awake for two hours, but of course, my friend Emily knew that. I needed at least one more cup of coffee to manage applying eyeliner while my toddler attempted a daring climb up my leg. I took a quick glance at my screen and saw the first few words of a message: “I’ve figured out your childcare dilemma.”
A smile crept across my face. I knew her response would likely include some cheeky suggestion about hiring a Jersey Italian Mary Poppins, but it also reminded me that despite her busy life, she was taking the time to check in on me.
When it comes to friendships, there’s really just one umbrella under which they all fall, divided into two categories. Friends serve as anchors: they either stabilize you or pull you down. It wasn’t until I reached my 30s that I truly began to discern the difference between the two.
To clarify, it wasn’t so much about identifying who uplifted me versus who brought me down; rather, it was about what to do once I recognized which was which. I struggled with initiating those tough conversations. I didn’t know how to say, “You’re overwhelming me,” or “Your tendency to create drama is exhausting,” or even, “Hanging out with you feels like a chore.” Yikes! So, I opted for silence instead.
Looking back, I realize that some of those friendships that felt like burdens could have been salvaged if I had been brave enough to let them in during those challenging, honest discussions that are crucial for any relationship to flourish.
I now have a close-knit group of supportive friends who illuminate my life with truth and encouragement every day. They’re not afraid to meet me where I am, to call me out when I’ve overstepped, or even to gently suggest that I might benefit from some professional guidance. Through their example, I’m learning to reciprocate that kind of honesty. It feels vulnerable to admit this, but I cherish it far more than living a facade with a forced smile and walking away unspoken. It has allowed me to love more deeply and live more authentically.
Identifying friends who bring you down isn’t particularly hard. The challenge lies in what to do with that realization afterward. That friend may just need a gentle nudge to recognize how their actions impact others, and this could help mend your friendship. Sometimes, it may be necessary to acknowledge that you’re on different wavelengths and that it might be best to take a step back. Regardless, you can walk away with confidence knowing you did what you could.
Now, when my phone rings, I can expect uplifting messages, funny memes, or even heartfelt prayers. The people in my life have access to my true self, and I have access to theirs. Being anchored means establishing roots, staying grounded, and not running away. It’s about viewing yourself through the lens of others and ensuring you’re comfortable with what they see.
On days when I struggle to even apply eyeliner evenly before heading to work, I realize that dealing with the tough stuff is worthwhile when I get to navigate life alongside those who ground me, push me for honest self-reflection, and hold me accountable for my commitments. They even scour the internet for babysitter options with clean driving records and an affinity for Jersey pizza!
Now that’s a true friend.
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In summary, friendships can be categorized into those that uplift us and those that weigh us down. The key lies in recognizing the difference and navigating those relationships with honesty and courage.