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Sometimes, it’s refreshing to put maturity aside and indulge in some good old-fashioned humor. And let’s be real—there’s nothing quite as juvenile as a well-timed dick joke. We’ve compiled a collection of the funniest, most outrageous ones to get you chuckling. These jokes, puns, and one-liners are just the beginning of a laughter-filled adventure.
When it comes to jokes involving the male anatomy, it’s not about the quality—it’s about the laughs. So if you’re ready to dive into some risqué humor, we have just what you need. While you might want to keep these gems away from the office, your friends and family will appreciate your comedic timing. Get ready to feel a sense of pride as you deliver these punchlines and watch them crack up.
Now, let’s get to the good stuff with these side-splitting, slightly naughty jokes:
- A dick has it tough. His closest buddies are nuts, his backdoor neighbor’s an asshole, and he often takes a beating.
- How do you praise someone for a circumcision? Just say, “Keep the tip!”
- Why doesn’t the rooster wear underwear? Because he has his pecker on display!
- Husband: “I bet you can’t say something that makes me both happy and sad.”
Wife: “You have the largest penis among your friends.” - Masturbation is for dicks.
- What’s the unkind part at the end of a penis? Oh right, a man.
- Why are men so dense? They only have that little hole to get oxygen to their brains.
- What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breathe through that thing?”
- Why does the doctor slap babies on the bottom after they’re born? To ensure the dicks get knocked off the smart ones.
- Old Edna at the nursing home tells old Frank that if he shows her his penis, she can guess his age. He does, and she says, “You’re 88.” He replies, “How did you know?” Edna responds, “You told me yesterday!”
- Three naughty boys in class: Zip, Dick, and Pea. One climbs on the desk, another hides in a cabinet, and the last one runs out the window. The teacher returns and says, “Hey! Zip down, Dick out, and Pea in the corner!”
- What did the penis say to the vagina? “Don’t make me cum in there!”
- What happened to the man who built a penis out of LEGOs? He got cock-blocked.
- Where do bad dicks end up? The penistentiary.
- Did you know men have three knees? The right knee, the left knee, and the wee knee.
- What does the sign on a closed brothel say? “Beat it.”
- Why did the dick go insane? Someone was messing with his head.
- What did Cinderella do at the ball? She choked.
- What fruit boosts your sperm count? A kumquat!
- What’s another name for a diaphragm? A trampoline for dicks.
- Where do penises get their workout clothes? At Dick’s Sporting Goods.
- Life is like a dick—it gets hard for no reason and is too short.
- What does 69 equal? A couple of mouthfuls.
- What do you call a man with three legs? Tom, Dick, and Harry.
- Why are you being passive-aggressive? Do you have a boner to pick with me?
- Why did the battleship require a deep clean? It was filled with seamen.
- What do you call a penis on a beach holiday? Sunny D.
- Political views are like dicks. It’s fine to have them, just don’t shove them down others’ throats.
- Why don’t ants have dicks? If they did, they’d be uncles!
- Did you hear about the guy with five dicks? His pants fit like a glove.
- Religion is like a penis. It’s great to have one and be proud, but don’t whip it out in public.
- What did the penis say to the condom? “Cover me, I’m going in!”
- Did you see the statue of a dick? They just erected it.
- What do you call a printed dick pic? A hard copy.
- What do you call a self-centered penis? Egotesticle.
- My boss told me to stop shortening his name to Dick. I guess it’s because his name is Matthew.
- What do you call a bunny with a crooked penis? Fucks Funny.
- Rude people are like dicks—they pop up at the worst times and deserve a good beating.
- Woman: “Is having a penis fun?”
Man: “Oh, it has its ups and downs.” - The best penis joke ever? I’d tell you, but it’s long.
- How long is my penis? I don’t know; I only have one ruler.
- What’s the best penis joke? I’ll share it, but it isn’t very long.
- What do you do with a year’s worth of used condoms? Melt them down, turn them into a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
- A pirate walks into a bar with a wheel attached to his pants. “Isn’t that uncomfortable?” asks the bartender. The pirate replies, “YARR, it’s driving me nuts!”
- What’s the difference between your jokes and your penis? No one laughs at your jokes.
- I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
- My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. Then the librarian told me to take it out.
- Knock, knock. Who’s there? Some! Some who? Some dickhead telling a knock-knock joke.
- What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis? A penis.
- The pharmaceutical name for Viagra is mycoxaflopin, and the generic is mydixadrupin.
- A husband and wife were setting up their computers. The husband made his password “my dick,” and his wife fell on the floor laughing. The computer said the password was too short.
- What’s the difference between a Rubik’s cube and a penis? I don’t know, but they both get harder the more you play with them.
- A cop sees an elderly woman carrying two large bags. One has a hole and is spilling $20 bills. The cop asks, “Where did you get all that money?” She replies, “There’s a golf course behind my house. When golfers need to pee, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence. It’s become a problem because it kills my flowers.” The cop asks, “What did you do?” She says, “I get my hedge clippers and wait. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab it and shout, ‘Give me $20 or it comes clean off!’” “That seems fair,” the cop replies. “What’s in the other sack?” The old lady responds, “Not everyone pays…”
- What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato? A dick-tater.
- I tried, but I just couldn’t solve the riddle about the penis. It was too hard.
- Why was Han Solo suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time? It was Luke warm.
- Doctor: “Does your penis burn after intercourse?”
Patient: “I don’t know; I’ve never tried lighting it.” - Husband: “I might take a picture of your breasts and frame it.”
Wife: “I think I’ll take a picture of your penis and enlarge it.” - What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
- Brain: What if trees had dicks?
Me: Go to bed.
Brain: Tree dicks.
Me: …
Brain: Hear me out—treenises. - Friend 1: Why is Bob short for Robert?
Friend 2: How do you get “Billy” from William?
Friend 3: For real, how do you get “Dick” from Richard?
Friend 4: You ask him nicely. - Scientist: Dick bug.
Other scientist: No.
Scientist: Penis beetle.
Other scientist: No.
Scientist: Cockroach.
Other scientist: OK, sure. - What do you call a puppet with a big penis? Well strung.
- Who was the first carpenter? Eve, because she made Adam’s banana stand.
- Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open-minded.
- Why did the elderly woman walk into a sex shop? She saw eggplants advertised in the window.
- What couldn’t the man with two penises think? He didn’t have enough blood left for that function.
- I would make a dick joke, but I don’t have one.
- Why do people love dick jokes? Because you can’t spell happiness without “ha penis.”
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In summary, this collection of 69 uproarious dick jokes proves that humor knows no bounds. Whether you’re sharing these with friends or just enjoying a laugh by yourself, these jokes are sure to elicit giggles and guffaws. Remember, it’s all in good fun!