There are countless qualities I admire about my husband. He is committed, industrious, and wakes up at the crack of dawn each day to provide for our family. He’s a dedicated father to our two young children and a dependable friend. His honesty, reliability, and sense of humor shine through, whether he’s sharing dad jokes or amusing memes that brighten our days. However, his short temper and limited patience have created a rift in our parenting dynamic, largely due to my discontent with his methods.
To be clear, it’s common for parents to have differing views on child-rearing. After all, each of us carries our own experiences and challenges into our parenting. Yet in our case, these differences have escalated into ongoing conflict.
My husband tends to raise his voice, often yelling at our daughter for minor mishaps, like dropping her food or spilling her drink. He has a strict viewpoint on discipline, often resorting to phrases like “because I said so,” and he doesn’t easily offer second chances. He believes children should be guided by a bit of fear, which is a sentiment I cannot endorse.
I grew up in a tumultuous environment filled with loud arguments and emotional turbulence, which severely impacted my self-esteem and mental health. I internalized the idea that misbehavior equated to being a disappointment. This pattern of fear and shame shaped my experiences, leading me to tolerate unhealthy relationships for years. Now, even a raised voice triggers anxiety in me; I find myself walking on eggshells, feeling timid and hesitant to express my thoughts. The only time I muster the courage to confront my husband is when I see our daughter’s distress because I fundamentally believe that his authoritative approach is ineffective and that she deserves better.
This disagreement has naturally led to tension between us. Many evenings are spent in silence or strained small talk. When parenting topics arise, he becomes defensive while I react with frustration. I notice our lively, cheerful daughter become withdrawn under the weight of fear, which escalates her own reactions—kicking, screaming, and hitting in response to our anger.
This cycle is unhealthy for all of us, and I recognize that both my husband and I share responsibility. We need to recalibrate our tone and our parenting efforts, learning to collaborate as partners and parents. The solution lies in listening more and speaking less while acknowledging each other’s strengths and weaknesses. My calm demeanor encourages our daughter to confide in me, while my husband’s firmness fosters her independence. We must leverage these strengths for the benefit of our children.
Although we’re far from perfect, we’re making strides. Our daughter attends therapy weekly to help her articulate her feelings and find her voice. We’ve established “safe spaces” for her to decompress, filled with sensory items of her choice. She understands that when she’s in that corner, she’s in control. We’ve agreed to revisit challenging situations only after we’ve all had time to breathe.
I also pursue therapy, taking notes on my daughter’s counselor’s insights and suggestions to share with my husband. We evaluate our parenting approach weekly, and with the therapist’s guidance, we’re learning to express our emotions more constructively. Instead of yelling, we’re practicing phrases like “Daddy’s feeling frustrated; I need to step away” to prevent outbursts. This applies to me as well.
I’ve started texting my husband with my concerns and the techniques I’ve learned in therapy to help him manage situations more effectively. We still have much work to do. I tend to be overly lenient, while my husband’s approach can still come off as harsh. There’s a persistent communication gap between him and our daughter, and between him and me. However, I believe we can improve together, as she deserves a nurturing environment now and in the future. What she observes at home will inevitably shape her adult relationships. My husband also deserves better; he often feels like he’s failing as a parent, but I know he cares deeply. We need to unite as a team for the sake of our children.
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In summary, while my husband and I continue to face challenges in our parenting journey, we’re committed to improving our communication and collaboration for the sake of our children’s well-being.