It was a little past 8:30 p.m., thirty minutes after her bedtime, and Lily was in the family office struggling with an anxiety attack. At just nine years old, this was the fourth consecutive night she had stayed up late, consumed by worry because she couldn’t keep pace with her 5th-grade class.
When Lily was diagnosed with ADHD nearly a year ago, I anticipated challenges. I knew my wife and I had to rally around her, providing support. After we established her 504 plan, it felt like a breakthrough—she finally seemed to find her stride. However, as she transitioned into 5th grade, everything shifted, and now she is a bundle of nerves.
Despite having extended time for assignments, the social pressure of submitting her work later than her classmates has ignited feelings of shame and frustration. Those emotions often peak late at night, just before bedtime, forcing my wife and me to stay up late to help her calm down.
I didn’t expect this level of anxiety, and here’s why: I’ve been a father for over a decade, and navigating my daughter’s anxiety tied to her ADHD has proven to be one of my greatest challenges. I wasn’t diagnosed until my late twenties. Growing up, I was often labeled as “not smart” (though with harsher words). I was placed in lower-level classes, and I genuinely believed I was unintelligent. This feeling settled deep within, leading me to abandon any hopes of academic success. I accepted failing grades and missed deadlines as part of my identity, and strangely enough, none of that triggered anxiety.
With Lily, things are different. I see her brilliance; she is curious, expressive, and artistic. Unlike my own childhood experience, we have carved a path for her academic success. Yet, none of this changes the fact that she tends to work more slowly than her peers. There’s nothing wrong with that, but she hasn’t realized it yet, and it’s causing her distress.
I’ve reassured her countless times, but Lily sees her classmates rapidly completing assignments, while she painstakingly works through her tasks. Despite her best efforts, she often can’t finish her work during school hours and ends up bringing assignments home.
In 4th grade, this didn’t faze her. However, as a 5th grader, she’s become more aware of her surroundings and feels an overwhelming pressure to fit in, leading to significant anxiety. Every evening, my wife and I try to create a supportive environment. We set timers, allowing breaks and rewards, yet despite our efforts—both of us are educators—she remains overwhelmed and susceptible to emotional breakdowns, feeling like she’s lagging behind her classmates.
This situation has infiltrated our lives. Each night, we engage in damage control, helping her complete assignments that she couldn’t finish during the day. She stays up late, determined to catch up, which only makes her more fatigued and hinders her focus in class. This cycle bleeds into the weekends, perpetuating the stress.
Let’s face it, parenting can be infuriating. Each of our three children has unique needs, but I must acknowledge that helping my daughter cope with the anxiety stemming from her ADHD has been a significant struggle for me. It’s a topic that often goes unspoken, but I’m sure I can’t be alone in this.
Nevertheless, I’m immensely proud of Lily. At her age, I never possessed such determination. She sincerely wants to excel in school, and all we can do is support her efforts. Deep down, I fear she might give up, just as I did during my childhood.
We’ve reached out to her school for assistance and are set to meet with her principal and teacher to reassess her 504 plan. I hope we can strike the right balance to alleviate her anxiety and academic burden. Until then, we remain committed to supporting her.
We find ourselves deeply involved in ensuring Lily navigates the challenges of 5th grade. I can’t help but wonder what difficulties lie ahead as we continue to support her journey with ADHD. Regardless, we will never abandon her, and we won’t allow her to give up on herself either; that, I believe, will be the true turning point for her.
In summary, parenting a child with ADHD and anxiety can be incredibly challenging. The pressures of school and social expectations can create a cycle of stress that affects the entire family. However, with love, support, and open communication, it’s essential to help children like Lily find their way through these challenges.