“Hit the elbow! Hit the elbow!” I heard my daughter, Lily, yelling from another room. Intrigued, I wandered over to see what was happening. Lily was helping her older brother, Alex, who has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), learn how to give a high-five without it being awkward. “You have to use the opposite hand from mine and aim for my elbow,” she instructed. With those simple directions, they executed a flawless high-five.
What better teacher for a child on the spectrum than a sibling? Would a professional have thought to break down this basic form of social interaction? Alex is fortunate to have two “free” therapists at home—Lily and Ryan, who are both younger than him.
Now, it’s important to clarify that the relationship between Alex and his siblings isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Like most siblings, they argue, tease each other, and sometimes drive each other crazy. However, the term “normal” is crucial here. For a child with ASD, achieving a sense of normalcy in relationships can be a rarity.
What Alex needs most is the opportunity to engage with peers in a natural setting—but with the safety net of family. Siblings provide that safety net. Children on the spectrum often receive a disproportionate amount of attention from adults in their lives—parents, tutors, and therapists. Alex, like many others with ASD, finds it easier to communicate with adults than with his peers. Adults accommodate his quirks and can engage him without the emotional stakes that come with friendships, which makes connecting with peers more challenging.
Unfortunately, adults aren’t always the best at teaching social skills. Alex has participated in numerous social skills groups and received countless tips from well-intentioned adults on how to navigate social situations in school or on the playground. Yet, what happens in those groups often stays there. In real-life scenarios, he faces anxiety and unpredictability, making it hard for him to apply what he’s learned. That’s where his siblings come into play.
Siblings have a unique ability to communicate authentically. When Alex was fixated on bathroom humor well into his teenage years, adults avoided the topic, hoping he would outgrow it. However, Ryan bluntly told him, “Dude, that’s so lame. No one talks like that in high school.” Kids with ASD can be quite literal, and straightforward communication is a language siblings naturally speak.
Siblings also offer acceptance. Alex, who is high-functioning and in classes with neurotypical peers, often feels out of place at school. His classmates tend to keep their distance, leaving him feeling isolated. Yet, when Lily playfully jumps on his legs while he’s sitting cross-legged, it sends a message of validation. She demonstrates that he is worthy of playful interaction and fun.
Moreover, siblings serve as cultural ambassadors. They have a better understanding of the social dynamics of their age group than most parents do. Lily and Ryan navigate the complexities of adolescent social life, guiding Alex through its challenges. Recently, I observed Lily and Alex huddled together over a group text on his phone. She was ghost-writing a response for him, showing him how to ask a question without it sounding awkward. Ryan, with his close circle of friends, keeps Alex in the loop about social happenings he might otherwise miss.
Being together but alone is another benefit of having siblings. Alex enjoys his own space but still craves social interaction, albeit at a less intense level. Having siblings allows him to share time with others without the pressure of constant interaction. Whether they’re all in their rooms engaged in their own activities or enjoying dinner with friends, Alex finds himself included in a social circle by default.
For parents of neurodiverse children, the future can often feel like navigating uncharted territory. While we may know many children on the spectrum, there are few examples of adults with ASD actively engaging in everyday life. I’m uncertain about what Alex’s future holds, but I find solace in the fact that Lily and Ryan will be there to help him navigate whatever comes his way. They might not always get it right, and there will be moments of frustration—they are siblings, after all—but they will provide him with unconditional love and straightforward acceptance. They will be his guides through the confusing and ever-evolving landscape of social interactions, including the little things many take for granted, like how to give a high-five.
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Summary:
Siblings play an invaluable role in supporting children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). They provide authentic communication, acceptance, and cultural insight, assisting their brother or sister in navigating social interactions that can be challenging. While parents may feel uncertain about the future of their neurodiverse children, the presence of siblings offers a safety net and a sense of normalcy, allowing for genuine connections and growth.