With my eldest son now six, we find ourselves in that transitional phase between preschool and the world of big kids. His challenges have grown, and I need to be more inventive in how we tackle them. The days when he needed nothing more than my hugs for his scrapes are behind us.
He is entering a new chapter in his life, one that comes with increased responsibilities. While he may wish I could handle everything for him like I did in his toddler years, I often feel the same way. It would be much easier for me to take charge than to constantly remind him of his tasks.
Fortunately, my decades of experience have taught me that doing everything for him will hinder his growth. He is learning to be a responsible member of our home and, eventually, a productive citizen in society. Allowing him to handle his new responsibilities at his own pace while teaching him how to manage his time and energy has been one of the most challenging aspects of motherhood so far. I want him to grow, but he also needs to understand that the world won’t always pause for him. Skills like following directions, meeting deadlines, and maintaining cleanliness in his space are crucial for his success as an adult.
Since we homeschool, these lessons are primarily my responsibility. My son isn’t in a classroom learning how to stick to a schedule or facing the natural consequences of poor time management like his peers. This responsibility weighs heavily on me, and I think about it constantly.
I’ve noticed that when Henry struggles to keep up with a task or gets overwhelmed, his immediate response is often to promise that he will “try harder.” I encourage him, believing that if he just puts in more effort, he can succeed. However, if I’m honest, this pep talk doesn’t always yield the results we both hope for.
The notion of “trying harder” can be particularly daunting for young children. At best, it’s ambiguous and unhelpful. While the idea of increasing effort sounds appealing, how can a six-year-old translate that into action? What does “try harder” even mean?
At its worst, “try harder” can imply to a struggling child that their failures stem from not giving sufficient effort. Rather than relying on this vague phrase, I’m teaching my children to express their needs more directly: “I could use some help.”
Recently, Henry was attempting to tidy up his bedroom, a task that consumed the entire afternoon. Both of us were reaching our breaking points. Despite his repeated assurances that he would give it his all, his room remained a mess. Trying harder simply wasn’t cutting it.
The situation had spiraled beyond his control, and he felt overwhelmed. He needed a new approach. I entered his room and calmly stated, “You’ve been working on this for hours, and it’s not coming together. I believe you’ve genuinely tried your best, but sometimes the most effective solution is asking for help. If you can think of specific things I could do to assist you, let me know, and I’ll be happy to help.”
I didn’t come in barking orders. Instead, I encouraged him to identify the exact tasks he needed help with, allowing him to maintain ownership of the process while I provided support. This way, he retained his sense of pride and accomplishment, learning valuable lessons about leadership and delegation.
In this case, offering assistance taught him more about responsibility than forcing him to handle everything alone. Much of parenting revolves around teaching children how to make wise choices. Recognizing one’s weaknesses and seeking help from others is a skill that many adults lack. Many of us have been conditioned to rely solely on our own efforts, often preferring to struggle rather than admit we can’t do everything alone.
As my children grow older, I will step back more frequently. I won’t always be there to pick up their toys or assist with simple math problems. However, I will continuously encourage them to seek help when needed. Admitting that you need support is a sign of strength, and I will also ask how I can contribute.
When my kids encounter obstacles, I don’t want them to rely solely on their own efforts, especially when they start to struggle. I want them to understand that sometimes, the best decision is to trust that those around them have valuable insights and can lend a hand. We can achieve so much more together than we ever could alone, and that’s a lesson I want my children to grasp from the very beginning.
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Summary: Instead of just encouraging my children to “try harder,” I’m teaching them the importance of asking for help and recognizing their limits. By fostering their awareness of when they need assistance, they learn valuable life skills that will serve them well as they grow.