When my mother called to tell me that her latest mammogram revealed some irregularities, I was instantly hit with a wave of nausea. Deep down, I feared that the follow-up biopsy would confirm my worst fears—breast cancer. Sadly, my intuition was correct; she received her diagnosis in October 2018. Since then, she has faced a grueling regimen of treatments, including chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation.
Our family has certainly dealt with its share of health challenges—from brain tumors and epilepsy to atrial fibrillation and Alzheimer’s disease—so I thought I was prepared for the emotional turmoil that comes with such news. However, nothing could have equipped me for the overwhelming feelings of helplessness and guilt that have surfaced since my mother’s diagnosis. Even months later, I often find myself pondering: “How can I support my mom while managing my own life?”
My husband and I work full-time, and our daughter just turned two. With the demands of our jobs and the responsibilities of home life, I find myself stretched thin. I’ve fantasized about quitting my job to care for my mom, but that isn’t a feasible option financially. The urge to completely break down and retreat from the world has also crossed my mind, but again, that’s not realistic.
The Guilt of Not Doing Enough
So, how can I assist my mother in navigating this daunting illness? I can’t shake the feeling that I haven’t been as supportive as I should be. This likely stems from my memories of how my mom cared for my grandmother—her own mother—when she faced breast cancer nearly 15 years ago. My mom managed to care for her while being a dedicated artist and raising a teenager.
With my own 9-to-5 job and a young child, I haven’t been able to offer the same level of support. I wish I could be there for every infusion, every doctor’s visit, and to comfort her during moments of nausea from her treatment. Yet, I haven’t been present for all of these moments, which fills me with guilt and a sense of selfishness. The painful reality is that there are times when I want to “fix” the situation, but I feel utterly powerless.
One of the toughest challenges has been keeping my daughter away from my mom, especially at the first signs of a cough or sniffle. Chemotherapy severely compromises the immune system, and the last thing my mom needs is a cold brought home from daycare. There have been multiple occasions when we’ve planned visits only for my daughter to fall ill, causing us to cancel. This physical separation is heart-wrenching, especially since my daughter is a significant source of motivation for my mother’s recovery.
Finding Ways to Help
I can’t express how grateful I am for the support my mom receives from my dad, our extended family, and her close friends. They have been able to accompany her to infusions and take care of her in ways that I simply can’t. I am truly thankful for their kindness and often struggle to find ways to express my gratitude.
Despite my feelings of inadequacy, I have discovered a few ways to support my mom during this challenging time. Here are some suggestions that may resonate with others who also feel helpless in a loved one’s health crisis:
- Dive Into Research: When my mom was diagnosed, I immediately began researching her specific type of breast cancer and potential treatment options. I now possess knowledge about axillary lymph node dissection and chemotherapy that I never wanted. This information has empowered me to engage in discussions with my mom and her medical team.
- Use Speakerphone for Appointments: Taking hours off work to accompany my mom to appointments isn’t always possible. Instead, I call her during her visits, and she puts me on speakerphone so I can listen and ask questions in real-time.
- Document Everything: I have learned from our past experiences that having an advocate present is crucial. I take detailed notes during my mom’s appointments and send her a typed summary afterward for her reference.
- Color-Code Medications: The number of medications prescribed during chemotherapy is overwhelming. I created a color-coded list of medications to simplify her regimen. While this may have been more for my peace of mind, I believe it has helped my parents as well.
- Arrange Housecleaning Services: For Christmas, I gifted my parents sessions with a housecleaning service to alleviate some stress during treatment. I’ve also pitched in to help clean their home myself.
- Provide an Outlet for Venting: I see my mom as one of my closest friends. I encourage her to reach out when she needs to vent—whether it’s about her doctor’s cold hands or her frustrations. This outlet is essential for her emotional well-being.
- Send Thoughtful Cards: I love sending greeting cards, especially in a digital age where they’re less common. Sending “Thinking of You” cards brightens my mom’s day and reminds her she’s loved.
- Regular Check-Ins: I often find myself texting my mom to ask how she’s feeling. I’m careful to reach out when I think she might be napping, and I typically call her on my commute home from work for longer conversations.
- Be Present for Key Moments: I made it a priority to attend my mom’s first surgery consultation, knowing we’d need to discuss significant decisions regarding her treatment. I also wanted to be there for my dad during her surgery and to support my mom when she woke up.
- Visit Whenever Possible: Nothing compares to the healing power of a hug and in-person support. Now that my mom has overcome some of the initial hurdles of chemotherapy and surgery, we’re able to see her more often, which is uplifting for everyone.
I anticipate that my list will evolve as my mom continues with radiation treatment. At least I have some actionable ways to provide support while juggling daily life’s demands. In a year, when my mom completes her treatments, we hope to celebrate her remission together.
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In summary, while managing my mother’s cancer diagnosis has been an emotional rollercoaster filled with guilt and helplessness, I have found meaningful ways to support her through research, organization, and emotional connection. As we navigate this journey, we remain hopeful for a brighter future.