Today, while at the grocery store, I found myself unexpectedly discussing breastfeeding with a young cashier, who appeared to be around 17 years old. My baby was nestled in a carrier on my chest, his wide blue eyes curiously observing the teenager. As he helped carry our groceries to the car, our conversation shifted to the bottles I had just purchased. He looked at me earnestly and declared, “My mom breastfed all her kids for as long as she could.” At that moment, I felt a wave of discomfort wash over me. It took me hours to process how his comment struck a nerve. I doubt he intended to be judgmental, but it made me question why he seemed so certain.
This was the first time I realized that others might doubt my breastfeeding journey. My family, friends, and even my pediatrician had been incredibly supportive, so I hadn’t considered that there might be onlookers wondering, “What do you mean you ‘can’t’ breastfeed?”
Breastfeeding was anything but easy for me from the very beginning. We faced a myriad of challenges, including painful latching, tongue ties, severe acid reflux, and a persistent low milk supply. For over three months, we sought the guidance of lactation experts, nurses, and our pediatrician, trying every technique we could find in blogs and books. While breastfeeding can be difficult for many new moms, it became a source of grief for me, as we just couldn’t make it work.
I genuinely wanted to breastfeed because I believed in its health benefits and the unique bond it could create between my baby and me. There was also an innate desire to fulfill what I felt was a natural role for my body. However, the societal and cultural pressures surrounding breastfeeding can overwhelm any mother, leading to feelings of shame and self-doubt when things don’t go as planned.
In a previous article, I outlined more than 20 reasons some mothers find breastfeeding challenging. Beyond the specific circumstances surrounding each mother and baby, various external factors can significantly influence the success of a breastfeeding relationship—such as the support system in place, timely assistance, experienced lactation consultants, positive encouragement from partners, time away from work, the number of children, and even pain tolerance.
As I drove away from that grocery store, I reflected on whether I truly did my best. The answer was a resounding yes. I exhausted every option available to me, and if I overlooked something, it was unintentional. I gave it my all.
You may not encounter a teenage cashier who brings up breastfeeding (thankfully, that’s probably rare), but you will face critics—both external and internal. So, let me remind you:
If you feel you gave it your all but still find yourself wondering if you did enough, or if you could have persisted longer, or if you lacked adequate support, or if you made the choice to prioritize your family or mental health, trust yourself. You made the best decision with the information and resources you had at the time. Letting go is not equivalent to giving up. What’s best for you might not align with societal expectations, and that’s completely fine.
When you see phrases like “baby needs the boob” on clothing, or if you secretly worry that your baby is missing out on “the gold standard,” or if you observe another mother effortlessly nursing her baby, it’s okay to grieve the loss of your original plans and expectations for breastfeeding. It’s not a pity party; it’s a recognition of a loss that often goes unacknowledged yet deserves to be mourned.
If you feel uneasy when asked, “Are you breastfeeding?” as if people assume you can, or if someone criticizes you for not breastfeeding long enough, or if someone gives you a puzzled look when you say, “I couldn’t breastfeed,” just shake it off. No one knows your baby better than you do. You share a unique bond, and you understand her needs, even when they feel complicated.
Here’s the crux of it: You didn’t fail. You don’t need to compensate in other areas because breastfeeding didn’t work out. This doesn’t reflect your abilities or worth as a mother. You are perfectly suited for your baby, and whether you choose donor milk, pumped milk, or formula, your love—not your milk—is what truly matters.
This article was originally published on May 17, 2019.
Summary
The piece discusses the emotional journey of mothers who are unable to breastfeed, emphasizing the societal pressures and internal doubts they face. It encourages mothers to trust their decisions and recognize their worth, regardless of their breastfeeding experiences.