I wholeheartedly view my stepsons as my own children. When I entered their lives, they were just 8 and 12 years old. Over the past decade, we’ve navigated a shared custody arrangement with their biological mother—one week with us, one week with her. During that time, I took on roles that any devoted parent would: driving carpool, packing lunches, and holding back from doing the projects that the rules clearly stated were meant for the kids to handle themselves. I took days off work to care for them when they were unwell, transported them to guitar lessons and Little League games, organized playdates and birthday celebrations, and signed all those permission slips.
I have been their mother. I am their mother. And yes, their biological mother is 100% their mom too. I am not here to replace her; our roles are distinct yet complementary. I am an additional mother figure in their lives, not a competitor.
When I married their father, I anticipated some comments about my boundaries as a stepmom from his ex. What I didn’t foresee was that others would also have opinions about my relationship with the boys.
One day, I visited Henry’s elementary school to pick up his homework since he was sick with the flu during his time with us. The receptionist asked, “Whose mom are you again?” When I replied, “Henry’s,” she was about to give me his homework when the principal barged in and declared, “She’s Henry’s stepmother. Not his mother.”
I was taken aback. I hadn’t even intentionally referred to myself as Henry’s mom; I simply answered her question. The boys and I had discussed what they wanted to call me, and Henry decided on “Pmessica,” a name that has stuck over the years. Now, at ages 20 and 24, they still call me that, and so do their friends and mine. Depending on the situation, I introduce myself as their stepmother, and they refer to me as their stepmom, parent, or even mom.
It was common for Henry’s Little League friends to ask, “Are you Henry’s mom?” to which I would respond, “Yes, I’m his stepmom. His mom is here too.” The kids understood the dynamics perfectly, yet I found it baffling that adults struggled to grasp it.
Generally, people appreciate my involvement in the boys’ lives, praising my affection for them. However, when it comes to the term “mother,” that’s where the confusion lies. For many, “mother” means one thing, and “stepmother” means something entirely different, as if the latter diminishes the former.
Interestingly, if I had walked in with a dog and called myself its mommy, it would likely have been accepted without question. Yet, claiming a maternal role for my stepchild drew scrutiny.
I recognize that being a stepmother differs from being a biological mother, just as being a father differs from being a mother. But for those of us who actively participate in our stepchildren’s lives, being a stepparent is still a form of parenting.
This belief even cost me a potential deal at a major network. While pitching a show about our blended family, I mentioned that “stepparenting is parenting.” The female executive present was visibly upset by this assertion and avoided engaging with me for the rest of the meeting. Although another network ultimately picked up the show, they insisted on a scene featuring the boys’ biological mother to avoid any negative perceptions from viewers about her absence.
I later left the project due to creative differences on how my role was portrayed. A childless male executive deemed it inappropriate to challenge the need for the mother to be present; I found it insulting that he assumed her absence would imply irresponsibility.
Today, my husband and I have adopted our youngest son, Leo. Even though I am not his biological mother, no one contests my role when I refer to him as my son. My responsibilities are different from those I had with his older brothers, but my love for all three boys remains unwavering. They are my sons, and regardless of the labels people assign to me, I am their mother.
For anyone exploring similar paths, resources such as Make a Mom’s guide on home insemination kits and Intracervical Insemination’s insights on achieving parenthood can provide invaluable information. Additionally, for scientific research on fertility, Science Daily is an excellent resource.
In summary, my journey as a stepmom has been filled with joy, challenges, and love. The label of “mother” can be complex, but in my heart, I know that I am a mother to my stepsons, and that bond is unbreakable.