By: Malia Thompson
“Go give Grandma a hug!”
“Uncle Mike brought you a gift; show him some love with a hug!”
“Don’t forget to kiss me goodnight.”
We’ve all heard these phrases, either as children or as parents ourselves. But why do we feel the need to insist on such displays of affection? Sometimes, children simply don’t want physical contact, and if adults deserve autonomy over their bodies, why shouldn’t kids? While we often label children as individuals, we paradoxically strip them of their bodily rights. I refuse to force my child into physical affection or guilt him into it, even with me, as I respect his independence.
In my upbringing, my mother believed she was entitled to my affection solely because she was my mom. Whether it was a hug, a kiss, or even a casual arm around my shoulder, she expected it. Even now, as an adult, she still seems to carry this expectation, and while I can say “no” more easily now, I struggle to understand her sense of entitlement to my personal space. This has always made me uncomfortable, and I’ve vowed not to impose that sense of authority on my son. Although I carried him for nine months, once he was born, his body became his own. The notion that “I gave you life, so you owe me a hug” is not only unreasonable but also unhealthy.
Sure, sometimes I long for my son’s little arms around me. There’s something truly healing about receiving affection from our children, whether it’s a quick squeeze or a kiss on the cheek. However, I always pause and recognize that my need for affection doesn’t override his right to decline. Typically, if I ask him for a hug, he’ll happily oblige. But if he says no, I respect his boundaries and personal space. I can express my love for him without forcing unwanted affection.
I’ve made it clear to my son that he is never obligated to give physical affection. I’m naturally affectionate, especially with him, but I always ask first if he would like a hug. If he declines, I respect that. When he is ready, he often initiates hugs on his own, and I find that he usually asks for them more than I do. This comfort stems from respecting his autonomy over his own body, which I prioritize.
My own parents were raised in a time when physical affection was more freely given, sometimes even imposed upon adults. If you thanked Grandma, it was always expected that you would hug her too. I never understood why a simple “thank you” wasn’t enough; why was physical contact necessary? Those expectations were ingrained in me, so when I became a parent, I was determined to avoid forcing affection. If my son wants to hug someone, that’s his choice. I would never tell him, “Go hug Grandma for the gift.” A simple thank you suffices—words are powerful enough on their own.
My son is quite shy, much more reserved than I was at his age. While I had a larger-than-life personality, he takes his time to assess situations and people. He’s adept at sensing who he feels comfortable with. Recently, we spent time with some of my friends he had met before. Initially, he wouldn’t engage with them, but after a few hours, he warmed up and started holding one of their hands and hugging her on his own accord. I never prompted him to do so; he initiated it because he had built trust.
In contrast to how I was raised, I believe that affection should be earned. A hug is not a requisite gesture for receiving a gift, and my son understands this concept. No one—whether it’s a grandparent, uncle, or friend—has an automatic right to his body simply because of familial bonds. This problematic mindset is far too common.
The same principle applies when saying goodbye. I encourage my son to acknowledge our guests when they leave, whether through a wave or a simple “goodbye.” However, I have never insisted that he hug anyone goodbye. Sometimes he chooses to, and other times he opts out, and that’s perfectly acceptable.
Forcing children into physical affection isn’t genuine and is fundamentally unfair. How can we teach them about consent and personal boundaries while also compelling them to show affection to those they may not want to? It creates confusion and mixed messages. Consistency is crucial in helping them understand the importance of consent and respecting others’ boundaries. They don’t owe anyone a hug or a kiss, period.
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In summary, teaching children about personal boundaries and consent is essential. Forcing physical affection not only undermines these principles but can also lead to discomfort and confusion. By allowing kids to express their affection on their own terms, we foster a sense of autonomy and respect.