It was during those chaotic early months with my daughter that I came to the realization that she was likely going to be an only child. I distinctly recall cradling my wailing baby, glancing over at my husband, and exclaiming, “How on earth do our friends manage this while also raising toddlers?” To this day, I remain baffled by how they pull it off.
Now that my daughter has reached the age of two, the relentless question of “When are you going to have another one?” has started to surface. In fact, I’ve been fielding this inquiry since before her birth, which feels utterly absurd, considering I wasn’t even certain I’d relish motherhood. As I navigate life with a spirited toddler, societal pressure to add another child has only intensified, and it honestly sends me into a tailspin!
Friends, family, and even casual acquaintances often say, “Don’t you want her to have a playmate?” or “What about a sibling to lean on as she grows?” Sure, those notions sound lovely in theory, but many other factors contribute to our decision to embrace being a “one and done” family.
Here are my top ten reasons for choosing to raise an only child:
- We’re Exhausted
My husband and I both work full-time. By the time we return home, prepare dinner, and tuck our daughter into bed, exhaustion overwhelms us. We usually find ourselves scrolling through our phones or zoning out in front of the TV until we muster the strength to hit the hay. The idea of waking up in the middle of the night to soothe a crying infant? That ship has sailed. I’m in awe of those who can tackle this challenge a second time. They’re true superheroes! - Sleep Deprivation is No Joke
Remember “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”? Well, I can relate. I transform into the grouchy Mr. Hyde if I don’t get enough sleep. During my daughter’s newborn phase, I was so sleep-deprived that I once sobbed and asked my husband if we could return her to the hospital! I’ve no desire to endure that again, especially now that I need every ounce of energy to keep up with my vibrant two-year-old. - I Want Personal Time
This may sound controversial, but I want a life outside of work and family. Some readers may find this shocking, while others might be cheering me on. Society often imposes the expectation that women must prioritize everyone else’s needs above their own. I refuse to perpetuate that cycle. I adore my family, but I also crave time for myself. Lately, I’ve been exploring my spiritual side and taking meditation classes, which have been incredibly fulfilling. I’ve learned the importance of self-care, and I return to my family recharged and eager to connect. - Childcare Costs are Astronomical
Every month, I spend over $1,000 on three-day-a-week toddler care in California. Thankfully, our parents help watch our daughter on the other days. I honestly believe we could not afford to add another child to our family due to the exorbitant costs of childcare, especially for infants. It’s doable, but it would mean cutting back on fun activities like family dinners or trips to the zoo. That’s not the kind of life I envision for us; I want to embrace joy right now. - Don’t Want to Tempt Fate
I’ve seen many parents feel overly confident about their first child’s temperament, only to be thrown for a loop with a second child who has a vastly different personality. I’m not sure I possess the patience to navigate such a life-altering experience, nor do I want to disrupt the bliss we currently enjoy by introducing any unpredictability. - Missing My Partner
I honestly can’t remember the last time my husband and I enjoyed a date night, just the two of us. I recognize that I need to rectify this before it becomes a bigger issue. I miss connecting with him beyond discussions about our toddler’s latest antics. Adding another child would only make it harder for us to carve out that much-needed couple time. I want to cherish my amazing husband and enjoy our relationship fully. - College Savings are Intimidating
After searching online about college expenses, my heart sank at the figures I encountered. According to the College Board’s 2018 Trends in College Pricing Report, the average costs for a public four-year college can reach over $21,370 per year, while private institutions can exceed $48,510. This is more than many make in a year! Thus, I’m committed to starting a college fund for my daughter early, as I want her to have options in education. Realistically, it seems we could only achieve this for one child. - Family Vacation Dreams
While I’m focused on saving for my daughter’s education and my own retirement, I also want to set aside money for memorable family vacations. My husband envisions taking our daughter to the East Coast to explore the Smithsonian, while I dream of international trips to immerse her in diverse cultures. Since travel costs are high, it’s much more feasible to undertake these adventures with just one child. - Fond Memories of Being an Only Child
Family stories suggest that I expressed my desire to be an only child from a young age. I thrived on my imagination and enjoyed the freedom that came with solo play. Growing up, I had various pets and all my parents’ attention, allowing me to pursue interests like singing lessons and summer programs. Yes, it may have made me a bit selfish, but those opportunities helped shape who I am today. - Life’s Uncertainties
As I’ve dealt with the loss of beloved family members, I’ve sometimes wished for a sibling to share my grief with. However, I remind myself that sibling relationships can be unpredictable. My husband, for example, is not particularly close to his own siblings, which highlights that there are no guarantees in these relationships.
So, those are the primary reasons my husband and I have decided to keep our family as a trio—what we lovingly call the Three Musketeers. While this choice works for us, it may not be the right path for everyone. I’ve seen larger families navigate similar challenges without issue. Ultimately, it’s about finding what truly works for you. If you’re seeking support for your “one and done” choice, I stand with you.
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In summary, my husband and I firmly believe that raising an only child suits our lifestyle and aspirations. While we appreciate the beauty in larger families, we find fulfillment in our smaller unit and the unique bond we share.