Updated: June 30, 2021
Originally Published: April 23, 2019
The only times I share a bedroom with my partner, Alex, are during vacations or when guests occupy our spare room. This sleeping arrangement has persisted for years, and I recently discovered that it’s referred to as being “sleep divorced.” While the term may sound unappealing, for me, it’s a source of comfort. Alex, however, wishes we could sleep together. But since the birth of our first child, I’ve been an exceptionally light sleeper, and Alex’s snoring could wake the dead.
In the past, Alex tried to persuade me to remain in the same room, suggesting that earplugs would suffice. I gave them a shot, but they only muffled his snoring by a mere two percent. I also attempted white noise through headphones, which was slightly more effective but made me anxious about missing out on sounds like my child crying or an emergency alarm.
Alex has experimented with various nasal strips and mouth guards in hopes of alleviating his snoring. He feared that our separate sleeping arrangements would negatively impact our relationship, but I just wanted a decent night’s rest. Surprisingly, it didn’t seem to affect our intimacy; we were both asleep—literally unconscious. So, why should it matter if we were apart while sleeping?
To alleviate his worries, I suggested he consult a doctor to explore the possibility of sleep apnea or allergies contributing to his snoring. However, despite his willingness to consider over-the-counter solutions, he resisted the idea of a doctor’s visit, particularly concerning the thought of wearing a CPAP device. Until he could overcome this aversion, I was left to manage my own sleep deprivation.
Experts assert that couples can maintain healthy relationships even while sleeping separately. After all, how can anyone engage in intimacy or meaningful conversation when they’re perpetually exhausted? I certainly can’t.
Lack of sleep impacts every facet of my life, including my relationship with Alex. I find myself grumpy, irritable, and generally hard to be around when I’m overtired. The bottom line is that I need adequate sleep to function optimally, and sharing a bed with my partner simply doesn’t allow for that.
This isn’t an uncommon situation; health professionals emphasize the importance of sufficient sleep for our emotional and physical wellbeing. Sleep deprivation can lead to poor decision-making, reduced reaction times, and serious health issues like obesity, heart disease, and weakened immunity.
When choosing between a restless night in the same bed or a peaceful sleep apart, the answer is clear: health should take precedence.
Eventually, Alex began to see the benefits of us sleeping separately. About a year ago, our daughter captured a video of his snoring, which she found hilarious. When she shared it with him, he was shocked at how loud it was. “Is that really how I sound? No wonder you can’t sleep in the same room as me!” he exclaimed.
Now, our spare room is always set up for me, eliminating the nightly struggle where he would plead for me to stay while I fantasized about using a pillow to smother his snores. After he saw that video, he truly grasped what I endured.
On a positive note, that video prompted him to schedule an appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist to check for sleep apnea. Who knows? He may end up with a CPAP machine, and we might just find ourselves back in the same bed again. I hear those machines can create a soothing white noise.
For further reading on this topic, check out our blog post on couples’ fertility journeys. If you’re curious about other aspects of health, you can also visit Shoe Fitting Guide, an authority on the subject. For anyone considering fertility treatment, March of Dimes offers excellent support.
In summary, my partner and I have embraced our separate sleeping arrangements, recognizing that it allows us both to function better in our daily lives. While it may not fit traditional norms, it works for us, and we might even find a solution to his snoring soon.