I usually refrain from meddling in others’ parenting styles, but if your daughter behaves like a mean girl around me, I won’t hesitate to speak up.
Recently, I was driving my 8-year-old daughter, Sophie, and her three friends to soccer practice. This time together in the car is enlightening; I get to hear about their favorite books, teachers, YouTube channels, and music. They often forget I’m there, allowing their true selves to emerge.
On this particular evening, one of Sophie’s friends, Mia, began disparaging a girl named Emma, who has been a part of their lives since pre-K. Mia claimed she heard that Emma had been acting out in class and that she “deserved” to be held back a grade.
This wasn’t the first instance of Mia’s mean-spirited comments. She frequently makes harsh remarks, like, “What? You like that song? UGH!” However, the other girls typically stand up to her, so I chose to remain on the sidelines at first. I thought maybe she was just having a bad day, but this time I felt compelled to intervene.
I know Emma and her family well. I am aware of the struggles they faced and that holding Emma back was a tough decision. But even without that context, Mia’s behavior had become a pattern that needed addressing.
Sophie defended Emma, stating she was a good person and never caused trouble. Yet, Mia continued her tirade, treating Emma’s situation as if it were punishment for bad behavior.
I turned down the radio and looked at Mia in the rearview mirror. “You know, saying unkind things about someone who isn’t here to defend themselves is not considerate at all,” I said.
“Oh, I’m just sharing what others say,” Mia replied.
“There’s a term for repeating hurtful things someone else says—it’s called gossip. You’re making claims about someone without knowing if they’re true, and you’re doing this in front of people who care about her. If I were in Emma’s shoes and heard someone say I deserved to be held back, it would really hurt. Would you say these things if she were in the car with us?”
“No, I guess not,” Mia admitted.
“That’s exactly why we shouldn’t say them when she isn’t here. If we discuss others, it should be to uplift them.”
Mia quickly shifted the conversation to another boy she wanted to criticize. I paused, allowing the silence to linger, hoping she would recognize her slip. The other girls in the car fell quiet, and the tension seemed to prompt Mia to reconsider her words. I then changed the subject to the upcoming soccer game.
I haven’t spoken to Mia’s parents about this incident. I don’t view it as a parenting issue, since her siblings are polite and kind. I know her parents promote empathy and would likely appreciate my intervention. In fact, I believe they would also call out my kids if they were acting out.
However, even if I thought Mia’s parents would disapprove, I still would have addressed her behavior. I was polite, yet I felt it was necessary to stand up against the negativity. Ignoring it would make me complicit, and I refuse to allow such behavior to continue unchecked. Bullying can have dire consequences, and I will not stand by. So, if your child behaves inappropriately and I’m around, count on me to step in.
After practice, I praised Sophie for not participating in the gossip and for defending Emma. I told her it’s crucial to be an upstander in a world filled with negativity. Part of being an upstander includes addressing unacceptable behavior, even if it comes from someone else’s child. I encourage others to do the same.
For those interested in more parenting insights, check out this article on at-home insemination kits here. It’s a valuable resource along with this link, which provides further information on the topic. Also, the CDC has excellent resources on pregnancy here.
In summary, addressing mean behavior in children is essential to fostering a kinder environment. Speaking up can guide them toward more compassionate interactions, which is crucial for their development and the well-being of their peers.