A few weeks ago, my daughter, Mia, went to the supermarket with her other mom, Sarah. They returned home with the usual haul of snacks, but also with a bathing suit. While the weather is still chilly where we live, the store was fully stocked for summer with stylish swimwear. The bathing suit was adorable, well-made, and reasonably priced. However, it brought with it an avalanche of anxiety about taking Mia to public pools or beaches.
Mia is transgender, and the bathing suit she picked out prompted a difficult conversation about the implications of wearing that specific suit all summer long. The suit itself wasn’t the issue; it was society that compelled us to have this discussion.
Before I delve deeper, let me clarify something: Gender is assigned at birth based on biological sex—if a child has a penis, they receive a male designation; if they have a vagina, they are labeled female. Children with ambiguous genitalia are classified as intersex and may face additional complexities. However, the expectation is that as they grow, children will express their genuine gender identity. This is crucial because gender and biological sex are not synonymous. When a person’s gender identity aligns with their assigned sex at birth, they are termed cisgender. Conversely, if it does not align, they are transgender.
Mia was assigned male at birth, but by the age of 18 months, she communicated to us that she identifies as a girl. We embraced this and have always supported her in living authentically. But when Mia excitedly revealed her new one-piece swimsuit, my heart sank. She was nearly six, and I knew I might have to dampen her enthusiasm. While she’s always had strong opinions, she’s also aware of how society nudges her away from her true self.
In previous summers, we had gently guided Mia towards swimwear with extra features, like skirts or ruffles, to help conceal her anatomy, especially when the suit got wet. This is never meant to shame her; I just feel a pang of guilt for telling her to be herself while simultaneously adding conditions. I would never tell my daughters to avoid certain clothing to prevent unwanted attention—clothing does not cause harm, people do. Yet, here I was, shielding one of my daughters from potential emotional distress and physical danger by limiting her clothing options.
Mia’s body is perfect as it is—healthy and beautiful—and she should be able to wear age-appropriate clothing regardless of societal labels. The issue isn’t Mia or her swimsuit; the problem lies with society’s misconceptions about gender and those who refuse to acknowledge transgender identities.
Reality check: Mia should be able to wear any swimsuit she desires. The real challenge comes from the anticipation of how people might respond—ranging from accidental insensitivity to outright hostility—which leads to feelings of shame and fear that no child should have to face when getting dressed.
When Mia showed me her swimsuit, I exchanged a glance with Sarah that conveyed both surprise and frustration. Sarah had attempted to explain to Mia that typically, people with penises don’t wear form-fitting swimwear, believing it’s better to have more coverage. We joked about the importance of keeping everything secure, and despite the laughter, I could see Mia’s excitement waning.
Her suggestion to wear the swimsuit only “around family” was telling; she sensed that wearing it in public might draw unwanted attention to her anatomy. My heart ached at this realization. This innocent purchase had become a painful reminder of the world’s harsh realities.
We told her that her two-piece suits with rash guards would be more suitable for summer camp, and while we laughed about the discomfort of wearing a wet one-piece, I couldn’t shake the worry of her facing ridicule or misunderstanding in the girls’ restroom.
Mia is proud of who she is and, thankfully, still blissfully unaware of the cruelty that can exist in the world. I want her to always feel that being different is extraordinary. I know that one negative comment can overshadow ten affirmations of love and support, so I need to protect her spirit for as long as possible.
Though it pains me to have these conversations, we have a plan, and Mia seems to have moved on. As she matures and gains a better grasp of her choices and society’s perceptions, she’ll be able to decide what to wear on her own. Until then, as her parent, I feel compelled to shield her from the harsh judgments of the world by curating her wardrobe.
But make no mistake: it’s society that needs to change—not my daughter. People must broaden their understanding of gender and expression and strive to be more accepting. It’s time for self-reflection, as there’s a wealth of beauty being overlooked.
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Summary
As a parent of a transgender daughter, I grapple with societal expectations about her swimwear choices. While I want Mia to express herself freely, I also worry about the potential backlash from the public. This tension reflects a broader societal issue regarding acceptance of transgender identities. It’s crucial to shift the focus from the individual to the societal norms that create these challenges.