Yesterday unfolded like any other day. I woke up, showered, got dressed, and went to gather the kids. My partner followed suit, taking care of the dogs before we loaded the kids into the car and dropped them off at school (okay, daycare). After a long day of work, we picked them up and headed home.
Once we arrived, my partner took our toddler to see the puppies (the instant we got home, he was chanting, “Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!”). I removed the baby’s jacket, took off mine, and hung both in the closet. I put my shoes away (this detail is relevant, I promise). I took the baby to change clothes, and when we returned, I started clearing off the kitchen table. After finishing, the baby and I went to play in the living room.
That’s when the familiar pattern reemerged. My partner returned from the basement with our toddler, took off his jacket and shoes, and placed them on the kitchen table. He then set the toddler down in the living room and went to grab a snack—for himself, not the toddler. At that moment, I found myself saying, “Could you please help me out and put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet at least?”
Can you help me out? As I uttered those words, I felt a wave of realization wash over me. This wasn’t about “helping me out.” It was simply about him being a responsible adult, a partner—something that should come naturally. So, I said it: “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not helping me out; it’s just putting your kid’s things away.” He didn’t reply, but he did take care of it.
From that moment on, I decided I wouldn’t ask my partner for help again—unless it was a genuine favor, like dealing with a monstrous spider. Here’s why:
It Undermines His Value.
My partner is an adult and a competent individual. He shouldn’t be seen as my helper or someone who needs my direction to contribute. If I need something done, I can simply ask. It’s about what needs to be accomplished in our busy household together.
It Places Unfair Burden on Me.
I don’t bear the sole responsibility for keeping our home organized and our kids taken care of. Framing our dynamic with phrases like “help me out” shifts that weight onto me. There are many things I’d gladly take ownership of in life—a luxurious yacht, a fancy car, a gadget that folds laundry. But being entirely responsible for our home and children isn’t one of them; I want an equal share of that.
It Sends the Wrong Message to Our Kids.
I don’t want my boys growing up believing that simply putting the toilet seat down constitutes a favor to their partner. I want them to understand that contributing to the household is a normal part of being a partner, not a chore that deserves praise. I want them to take pride in being equal contributors, enjoying the rewards that come from shared responsibilities.
It Erodes Our Partnership.
My partner is my equal. We may have different ways of doing things, but our shared goal is a happy, healthy family (and a house that isn’t a war zone of pureed foods). I don’t want to boss him around; I don’t want him to think his role is merely to assist me. His role is to be a devoted father and my partner, and yes, to deal with creepy crawlies.
So, the next time I find his clean laundry has been languishing in the dryer for days, I won’t frame it as a request for help. Instead, I’ll just tell him to move his things out of my way.
This article was originally published on April 18, 2019 and if you’re interested in exploring topics related to starting a family, check out our post on the couples’ fertility journey for intracervical insemination at Make a Mom. For more insights, visit Intracervical Insemination to learn about baby reflexes. Additionally, MedlinePlus is an excellent resource for information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, it’s essential to view our partners as equals and not as helpers. By changing our language and approach, we can foster a more balanced and respectful dynamic in our relationships.