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Parenting
Single Moms With Co-Parents Are Still Single Moms
by Janelle Carter
Updated: Oct. 10, 2023
Originally Published: April 14, 2019
The journey of motherhood is a challenging one, especially when you’re navigating it solo. The struggles of being a single mom can feel insurmountable, especially without any support. It’s exhausting when breaks are few and far between. Single moms often find themselves fully immersed in the relentless demands of family life, frequently shouldering the majority of responsibilities on their own.
There’s no denying that being a single mom is tough. This is why solidarity among us is crucial. It’s simply unfair to imply that single moms who have support—be it emotional, physical, or financial—are somehow less valid than those who don’t.
I’ve been a single mom since my son was just three months old. While I’ve had a supportive network, I still carry the weight of raising him almost entirely on my own, bearing 100% of the financial responsibilities. Even during the early years when we lived with my parents, I was the primary caregiver. His dad has always been involved, but for nearly four years, our relationship was long-distance. When we finally moved closer, I envisioned a cooperative parenting dynamic, but reality didn’t align with those dreams.
Once we relocated, it became apparent that his dad’s lifestyle wasn’t compatible with being a present father. Instead of adjusting to make more time for his son, he opted to spend less time with him. I distinctly recall a night last summer when I reached out, pleading for him to step up. He had been involved in picking up and dropping off our son throughout the school year, but never engaging beyond that. When summer arrived, he vanished from the picture. It was unfair to our child, and I felt like I was drowning.
Eventually, we reached an understanding where he would take our son for a few hours each week, which provided some relief. However, those hours rarely equate to personal downtime. Instead, they often become opportunities for me to tackle grocery shopping, errands, and housework.
Recently, a fellow single mom suggested that because my son’s dad is involved, I’m not a “real” single mom—as if there are tiers to single motherhood. This perspective fails to acknowledge that those of us who have support are still managing the day-to-day challenges of parenting. When my son had a fever of 105 and needed an emergency room visit, where was his dad? On vacation in Asia. He returned home with a cold, trying to downplay his illness, but I reminded him that I had cared for both our son and myself, all while working.
Having a co-parent doesn’t mean that I can take spontaneous trips or have a worry-free schedule. Even a few hours away for a work commitment or a date requires meticulous planning, and more often than not, it’s me who ends up adjusting my plans.
While I may be one of the “fortunate” single moms with some support, when it comes to doctor’s appointments or buying new clothes, I’m the one who has to take time off work. I’m the one who dives into research for preschool and kindergarten, and I’m the one coordinating summer plans. His dad rarely shows interest in any of it.
Many single moms don’t have the luxury of personal time. They often juggle their kids while running errands or managing other responsibilities. They work incredibly hard, and it’s unjust that they can’t carve out even a few minutes to themselves. Every single one of them deserves more than what they currently receive.
Here’s the reality: support comes with its own set of challenges. Friends and family have their own commitments, and the reliability of their help can be inconsistent. For every moment of relief, there are countless tasks that remain unattended. The grass may look greener for those of us with co-parents, but it’s not as lush as it appears.
All single moms are heroes. We navigate our demanding lives each day, even when we feel overwhelmed. It’s easy to overlook our accomplishments when we’re swamped with chaos—kids needing attention, working hard to meet deadlines, and ensuring bills are paid. We share the same struggles.
To claim that single moms with co-parenting support aren’t “real” single moms because of child support or occasional breaks is not fair. A “real” single mom is any mother raising her child without a partner. Co-parents and partners are not the same. Married mothers often have someone to lean on, even if they aren’t always present. Single moms, on the other hand, are truly on their own, handling everything.
Single moms with and without support face societal judgment, and we shouldn’t make it worse by competing over who qualifies as a “true” single mom. We must uplift one another, as we all know how much we need it.
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In summary, single motherhood is a complex journey that comes with unique challenges, regardless of whether you have a co-parent. It’s vital for us to support each other and recognize that every single mom is valid in her own right.