For the first few years of my son’s life, I was simply “Mom.” That was my whole identity, without any additional labels. However, as we began to notice that his behaviors diverged from typical development around 18 months, it wasn’t until he was four and a half that he received his first diagnosis: Severe ADHD, Combined Type. With that diagnosis came a new label for me: Special Needs Mom.
Suddenly, I wasn’t just another parent doing the usual drop-offs, PTO meetings, and soccer practices. Instead, I wore a label tied to a diagnosis that has since multiplied to five for our energetic seven-year-old. This meant that I began to label you too. You may have been a friend or a family member before, but in my eyes, you became “Neurotypical Mom,” with your “normal” child.
While the term “normal” can have negative connotations in discussions about mental health, it’s used to describe children who meet typical developmental milestones. Yet, despite our labels, we are often indistinguishable in day-to-day life. We face the same societal expectations for our children, regardless of our differing experiences.
I want to be honest about the challenges we face. Parenting any child is incredibly tough, and parenting a child with special needs can feel like a daunting, surreal experience. Here are five things that I, along with many other Special Needs Moms, wish our Neurotypical Mom friends understood about our lives—even if we struggle to voice them.
1. Our Triumphs Are Different
In our house, we celebrate victories that may seem trivial to you: a day without a meltdown, using words instead of actions, or successfully completing a task. These moments might not resemble what you consider achievements, but to us, they are monumental. We often don’t know what typical feels like, so when we achieve these milestones, we celebrate them like they’re major events.
2. We Sometimes Feel Resentful
When your child has a meltdown or throws a tantrum in a store, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed. I get it. But when I see you share your frustrations, I can’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. Your experiences, while valid, often remind me of how different our struggles are. I want to shake you and tell you to appreciate the “angels” you have, even though I know that everyone’s challenges are unique.
3. Asking for Help is Hard
The exhaustion that comes with parenting a child with special needs is profound. It’s a level of tired that’s hard to describe. We can’t just leave our kids with anyone; they often require specialized care, and there are few people we trust to look after them. Even asking for help can be daunting, as we carry the weight of knowing that our needs might be challenging for others to bear.
4. We Carry Constant Worry
The worries are relentless. We think about everything from therapy costs to school challenges, and we often find ourselves fretting about our children’s futures. While you might worry about typical childhood milestones, we can’t help but wonder if our kids will face higher risks of serious issues as they grow older. The burden of these concerns can be overwhelming.
5. Some Days Are Just Hard
This doesn’t mean we love our kids any less. We fight fiercely for them and advocate for their needs, but sometimes the strain feels insurmountable. We may not recognize ourselves anymore, and the stress can impact our marriages and friendships. The reality is, we didn’t choose this path, and it often feels like a grieving process for the child we thought we’d have.
Despite all of this, we need our Neurotypical friends. We need you to show up with a meal, facilitate a moment of respite, or simply listen, even if you can’t fully understand. Don’t give up on us; your friendship means the world.
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In summary, the journey of parenting a child with special needs is filled with unique challenges and triumphs. It requires understanding, empathy, and support from friends and family. Together, we can navigate this journey, one day at a time.