Trigger warning: miscarriage
On January 28, 2023, I received a positive pregnancy test — a moment of pure joy. We had meticulously prepared: a pre-conception visit with the doctor, taking vitamins, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and using ovulation predictor kits to optimize our chances. And it worked!
I was genuinely astonished — more surprised than I could have imagined — to see that positive result so early, just three weeks into the cycle. My initial shock quickly transformed into excitement as I shared the news with my 8-year-old daughter, Lily, who cried tears of happiness. We were over the moon with anticipation for our little bean, due on October 13.
We decided to keep the news under wraps for the first trimester. Those weeks were filled with joy, especially as Lily daydreamed about her new sibling, envisioning how she would dress and take care of them, even though I was convinced it would be a boy.
But suddenly, everything changed. On February 18, I noticed spotting at work. Friends reassured me that it was normal, but deep down, I sensed something was amiss. The doctor arranged for a blood test to measure my HCG levels, and when I saw the results before they called, I felt my heart drop. My numbers weren’t increasing as they should.
As the day progressed, the spotting worsened, prompting a call to my doctor, who advised me to go to the ER. I sobbed as my partner, Mark, arrived, and the news we received was both shocking and bittersweet. After hours of uncertainty, we detected our baby’s heartbeat at 110 beats per minute — a flicker of hope amidst despair. However, the following test results showed my HCG levels had dropped, dashing our hopes yet again.
The next day brought a temporary reprieve; the spotting slowed, and I dared to hope again. But soon after, the bleeding intensified, leading to more frantic calls to the doctor and a grim realization that we needed to prepare for the worst. A trip to Target for supplies no one wants to buy only deepened my heartbreak.
At our next doctor’s appointment, the news was devastating. There was our baby, heartbeat slowing at 90 beats per minute, within a shrinking sac — measuring less than the seven weeks I should have been. The technician, visibly upset, explained that she had never seen a situation like this end well. Our doctor comforted us, reiterating that it wasn’t our fault, but we were crushed. How could everything we did lead to this outcome?
We scheduled another appointment for a week later to confirm the miscarriage. The emotional rollercoaster was unbearable; I swung from crying to anger, unable to process my feelings. My daughter took the news hardest, and I found myself shutting everyone out, merely going through the motions.
We reached out to friends, receiving sympathy and well-meaning but often misplaced advice. While some offered condolences, others asked when we would try again, which felt insensitive in the moment. My supportive partner stood by me as I navigated this tumultuous time, trying to stay busy in hopes of pushing through the pain.
Then came the harsh realities of miscarriage — things no one warns you about. I witnessed things that no one should ever have to see, leading to another wave of grief and frustration. At our follow-up appointment, we received confirmation of an empty, “unremarkable” uterus, which was supposed to signify a fresh start, but I wasn’t ready for that.
I know I will heal in time, and I recognize how fortunate I am to have my healthy daughter. I will eventually move forward, joining the countless other mothers who have faced this heartbreak. But for now, I’m allowing myself to grieve.
To those who have supported me, my therapist, and my colleagues — thank you. I’m taking it one day at a time, knowing that every loss is significant. Even at just seven weeks, he was our BABY, and we longed to meet him.
For more information on home insemination, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and donor insemination. Also, if you’re interested in home insemination kits, you can find helpful information here. For additional support, visit this page to connect with others who understand.
Summary
This article discusses the deeply emotional journey of experiencing a miscarriage, emphasizing that it is never just a miscarriage, but a profound loss. It captures the rollercoaster of emotions felt by the author, from joy at discovering a pregnancy to the heartbreak of loss, and the importance of support during such a difficult time.