I thought I was ready for anything, but the moment still caught me off guard. Maybe it was due to the fact that I had just come from my brother’s funeral, and there I was, heavily pregnant and utterly drained, at his wake. I hadn’t really had the chance to process the shock of losing a relatively young and seemingly healthy man so suddenly. I was still in a state of numbness when a family friend approached me, armed with her usual platitudes and a hug.
But then, she initiated the conversation I should have anticipated.
“I was speaking with your dad…”
Instantly, I felt my body tense up as I listened, stone-faced, to her recounting how concerned he was for me, urging me to reach out to him because he was struggling. I was almost relieved when I was called away to sort out a minor detail with the food we were serving, giving me an excuse to avoid a response. What could I even say?
Should I reveal that my father had disowned me—yet again—just two weeks earlier for daring to mention his complete lack of involvement in my son’s life over the past nine months? Should I lay bare the multitude of emails where he insulted me, claimed I was going to hell, and suggested my mother was aware of my supposed lack of love for her?
How could I articulate that my father had been both physically and emotionally abusive to his children throughout our lives, with my brother, now mourned by so many, suffering the brunt of it?
As I hurried off to tend to whatever needed fixing, I felt a surge of anger. I’ve known this woman for most of my life, and I understand she thought she was mending a family rift, likely painted by my father’s manipulative narrative. However, she was merely being used, unknowingly supporting the behavior of a narcissist. This well-meaning interference in someone else’s family affairs is entirely inappropriate.
I get the impulse; from the outside, it can appear as if a trivial issue is keeping loved ones apart. Yet, comprehending the complexities of family dynamics is not something one can grasp from an outsider’s view—it takes years of experience. Regardless of your intentions, unless you are genuinely part of the family, please don’t involve yourself.
Over a decade ago, I made the decision to distance myself from my father. This wasn’t a choice I made lightly but was essential for my mental well-being. My father exhibits all the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). There are whispers that he may have even received an official diagnosis, but he denies it—as is often the case.
If you’ve never encountered someone with NPD, it’s tough to grasp the experience of dealing with one, let alone being raised by one. Even as a grandfather, he cannot prioritize anyone above himself. He has an uncanny knack for twisting situations to fit his narrative, casting himself as the victim while portraying anyone who questions his behavior (me) as the antagonist. If you don’t know him well, he can be incredibly persuasive.
I strive to maintain respect and refrain from airing our family’s dirty laundry to mutual acquaintances. Yet when I occasionally share my decision to sever ties with him, the responses are perplexingly uniform.
“But he’s your dad…” Yes, but biology doesn’t equate to love when he hurls insults at me behind closed doors.
“He never recovered from your mother’s passing.” True, but neither have I, and I manage my grief without resorting to verbal abuse.
“I worry he might harm himself.” That’s his ultimate card! He has threatened to take his own life for as long as I can remember. Suicide is his go-to tactic for eliciting sympathy, and it works.
The challenge with someone who has NPD is that they can be outwardly charming. When I had friends over, my father was the fun, engaging dad. But once they left, the yelling and violence would begin. Perhaps I should have been more transparent about my home life, revealing the abuse that was all too real.
However, my goal now isn’t to expose my father; it’s to be left alone regarding him. This is why I feel such rage when people approach me, attempting to heal what they believe is a fractured relationship. Honestly, it’s beyond saving.
So why is it so difficult to prevent others from inserting themselves? Unless you have a deep understanding of a family’s inner workings, why would you choose to intervene? While not every family has someone with NPD, all families come with their own set of baggage, and often, that baggage is earned. Why question it? If someone tries to draw you in, listen politely, but refrain from involvement. You never know what truly occurs behind closed doors.
This article was originally published on March 28, 2019.
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In summary, navigating family dynamics—especially with a toxic member—can be incredibly challenging. Well-meaning friends and acquaintances often attempt to intervene without a full understanding of the situation, which can lead to further complications. Maintaining boundaries and self-care is crucial for anyone dealing with similar struggles.