I’m really tired of reading articles about the “default parent.” I get it—if you’re a mom, you likely feel the weight of keeping the family running smoothly. You’re the one who juggles the doctor’s appointments and organizes birthday parties. You add “milk” to the grocery list and plan meals. You tuck the kids into bed, then feel the pressure of a million other tasks before you can finally rest. It’s often the case that these daily, thankless responsibilities fall on you because you are the default parent.
I can relate because I was once in your shoes. I shared that viral article about the “default parent” with friends, emphasizing how I was definitely that parent, and at times, it felt “impossible.” For years, I managed countless household tasks—meal planning, camp sign-ups, and ensuring the right diaper sizes. Although I worked outside the home, my job was more flexible than my partner’s, so I often took on the role of the primary caregiver when kids were sick. Yet, my life was not “impossible.”
While it was messy and far from perfect, it was wonderful. I wish I had taken more time to appreciate that rather than dwelling on who last vacuumed the living room. Now, I find myself in a different situation. I’m no longer the default parent; I am the sole parent. My partner has passed away after a brief battle with illness, leaving me alone with three young children. The responsibilities I used to manage feel trivial compared to the monumental task of raising kids solo.
Being the default parent in a happy marriage means you have the freedom to voice your frustrations about who takes the kids shopping or remembers haircuts for picture day. It means knowing your partner shares the burden, even if the distribution isn’t always equal. It means you won’t face every decision alone, even if you make many choices independently.
I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t aim for more equality in our relationships. It’s not fair that women, especially in heterosexual partnerships, often shoulder a larger share of domestic responsibilities. However, the challenges of being the default parent pale in comparison to those faced by a true single parent.
The difficulties of single parenting aren’t the mundane tasks that used to annoy me when I was the default parent. Sure, managing school paperwork and ensuring homework gets done is frustrating and time-consuming, but it’s not inherently difficult. What truly weighs heavy is ending the day feeling completely drained, knowing there’s no one to read bedtime stories. It’s attending every first-grade baseball game without another parent to share the experience. It’s the constant need to carry your youngest because they refuse to go to anyone else—yet there’s only one of you.
There’s no respite. When the school nurse calls, you know you’ll have to leave work to attend to your sick child. If a child gets hurt, you’re the only one who will spend the night in the ER. When a little one wakes up crying in the middle of the night, you’re the only one there to comfort them.
I understand how challenging it is to be the default parent, and reflecting on our roles as caregivers is essential. But trust me, if you’re the default parent, you’re in a better position than you think. By definition, the default parent has a backup.
Sometimes, I wish I could go back to a year ago, if only for a moment. I would love to relive the day when my partner came home from work, scooped up our three kids, and took them to play before dinner. Sure, I had planned and cooked the meal and cleaned up various messes, but he was there, fully engaged, enhancing all of our lives.
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In summary, while being the default parent can be challenging, it also comes with the comfort of knowing you’re not alone. The struggles of single parenting are vastly different, and many would gladly trade the default role for the support of a partner, no matter how unequal the division of labor may seem.