Not long after my first child arrived, I discovered through a friend that my child-free pals were planning a dinner outing. My partner and I weren’t on the guest list, and it stung. I understood, on a rational level, that becoming a parent meant my life was different now—spontaneous outings became more of a hassle than a joy. Friend time required coordinating sitters or deciding who would stay home with the kids.
My friends didn’t mean to hurt me; they were just trying to adapt. They didn’t want to put pressure on our friendship, and I didn’t want to feel sidelined. They were trying to avoid disappointment when I inevitably had to say no due to parenting responsibilities, yet I still yearned for that invitation.
Reflecting on these feelings, I realized they echoed memories from my school days. Although I had a few loyal friends and generally got along with others, cliques existed. I’d hear about outings to the mall or parties while I was left behind, and it often left me feeling isolated and unwanted.
Fast forward to today, and my kids sometimes share their own stories of exclusion at school. “So-and-so wouldn’t let me play,” they say, and my mama bear instincts kick in. I resist the urge to ask, “Who did this?!” Instead, I seek to understand what happened. With my moody five-year-old twins and sensitive seven-year-old, it can be a challenge to get to the heart of the matter. I also have to consider if they might have acted unkindly themselves, as none of them are perfect.
Typically, these incidents are innocent and part of growing up. If my child isn’t the one left out this time, they may well find themselves in the same position someday. Life isn’t always fair; we won’t be friends with everyone, and sometimes decisions made can unintentionally hurt others.
When my oldest daughter comes home upset because her best friend wouldn’t play with her due to someone else’s influence, my heart aches. I remind her that feeling frustrated or sad is perfectly okay. I don’t know why her friend chose to exclude her, but I validate her feelings and encourage her not to take it too personally. “Maybe they just wanted some one-on-one time,” I suggest, channeling my best “Daniel Tiger’s mom” impression.
I recognize her confidence is shaken, and I want to support her in finding a new friend to play with. I’m proud of her for choosing kindness instead of responding with anger. We often discuss the importance of being upstanders and showing compassion, but it’s tough when other kids don’t reciprocate. It can feel like a failure on my part as a parent, especially since I strive to teach values of inclusion and respect.
It’s a delicate balance to encourage kindness while allowing kids to make their own choices, even if those decisions don’t consider others’ feelings. I want my kids to trust their instincts but also to be mindful of how their actions affect others. I hope they grow to be thoughtful and generous without feeling they must sacrifice their own needs for someone else.
As for me, I’ve mostly come to terms with not receiving invitations to every gathering. I accept that I won’t be privy to every conversation or inside joke. My confidence in my friendships allows me to understand that one exclusion doesn’t diminish my connection with others.
I’m on a journey to impart these lessons to my children. As humans, we will inevitably face feelings of exclusion and forgetfulness, both logical and illogical. Being left out is unpleasant, but we can learn to navigate those feelings and eventually move on.
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Summary
Navigating feelings of exclusion is a universal experience for both kids and adults. As parents, it’s vital to support our children through these tough moments while also managing our own emotions regarding friendships. Teaching resilience, empathy, and the importance of kindness can help us all cope with the inevitable ups and downs of social dynamics.