It’s been two decades since I first battled depression, and throughout that time, I’ve had my share of invisible symptoms. These hidden struggles often made it easy to conceal the true weight of my depression from those around me. However, there’s one aspect of this condition that manifests visibly yet is often dismissed as mere laziness.
For nearly three years, I haven’t slept in my own bed. When I’ve traveled, I’ve enjoyed the luxury of a proper bed, but at home, I’ve been rotating among various couches. I’ve always considered myself a “disorganized” person. I try on multiple outfits before settling on one, leaving a trail of clothes scattered across my space. Empty soda cans and half-finished coffee cups accumulate until I can’t stand the smell anymore. My laundry basket is perpetually overflowing. In fact, I’ve done so little laundry over the past few years that I sometimes resort to buying new socks rather than tackling the chaos of my bedroom. Dust collects on the windowsills, and my home is a testament to my struggle with cleanliness.
But here’s the twist: I’m not truly a disorganized person. When I cook or bake, I make an effort to clean as I go. I’ve reorganized my kitchen pantries before the holidays and keep my bookshelf tidy—my phone apps are even color-coded. I genuinely enjoy organizing, but it seems I can only manage it once a depressive episode has lifted.
After three long years, I recently found the energy to clean my room thoroughly. I donated bags of clothes and have been sleeping in my bed consistently. Every evening, I make a point to tidy up any clutter I’ve created throughout the day, and I’ve developed a near-obsessive habit of vacuuming. This cycle is familiar to my close friends and family, especially my mother.
The state of my room has often led to disagreements with my mom and has even been used against me in arguments by friends or ex-partners. It stings to have my mess interpreted as a personal flaw. While many people assume they understand the reasons behind my clutter, I believe it represents a silent cry for help that often goes unnoticed.
If you or someone you know is struggling, remember to reach out for support. Resources for mental health are available through various channels, and it’s crucial to connect with those who can help.
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In summary, the struggle with depression can manifest in ways that others may not grasp, especially when it comes to our living spaces. My disorganization often reflects my mental state, and recognizing the connection can be a crucial step toward recovery.