In our household, we refer to it as her “sassy face.” This is my eight-year-old, Mia, when she tilts her head, locks eyes with me, and presses her lips into a thin line. It’s her cue to defy whatever I’ve just asked. For instance, when I tell her it’s bedtime, she gives me that sassy face and continues watching TV.
Not long ago, we were at my son’s soccer match. I requested Mia to take her little brother to the playground, and yet again, she turned, flashed that same face, and walked away, leaving him by my side.
Each time she pulls this stunt, I find myself saying, “Cut it out with that look. Who do you think you are?” But despite my frustration, I can’t help but admire her fierce independence.
I want my children to be kind-hearted, but I also believe it’s crucial they learn to advocate for themselves and stand up for others. It’s important to me that they don’t become overly nice to the point where they get taken advantage of.
Before I became a parent, I would listen to my sister grumble about her daughter’s defiance. She would describe how her little girl never listened and often challenged authority. I’d counter her complaints by suggesting that her daughter’s behavior was a sign of a strong-willed future leader. “You’re just misinterpreting her as rude,” I’d say. “Encourage that spirit! She could be anything—a CEO, a senator, or even the president.” My sister would give me an incredulous look, probably thinking I had no clue what I was talking about.
Turns out, I was quite naive. Raising a strong-willed child is no easy task. The challenge I often face as a parent is finding the balance between nurturing their tenacity and ensuring they don’t become too compliant or submissive. Where is the line drawn between being assertive and being nice?
To be honest, I struggle with assertiveness myself. I consider myself a generally nice person, but I look back and recognize missed opportunities to ask for more—whether it was standing up for a cause or advocating for myself. I don’t want my children to carry that same sense of regret.
Parenting is all about fostering good traits while minimizing the bad, all while trying to keep your sanity intact. So, when Mia gave me that look before heading to the playground, I paused her and explained the importance of respect. She pouted but listened as I emphasized that while I want her to be a strong woman, helping the family is also important.
A little later, I witnessed a moment that made me proud. An older kid had pushed a younger one, and Mia marched over, gave him her “sassy face,” and told him to back off. She stood her ground, and to no one’s surprise, the boy backed down. It was the same fierce expression she gives when I insist she go to bed or take a bath.
Afterward, I pulled Mia aside, recognizing the apprehensive look on her face. “What you did was amazing,” I told her. “Those are the battles worth fighting.” Her eyes lit up, and I could see her confidence soar as she returned to the playground, fists clenched, feeling empowered.
This is the essence of raising a child who knows how to stand up for themselves and others. It’s about setting limits when necessary but also encouraging them to champion what’s right.
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In summary, while I strive to nurture kindness in my children, I also want them to develop strength and assertiveness. It’s a delicate balance, but one that will ultimately help them navigate the complexities of life.