The sight of a zipped-up backpack can stir a range of emotions. If it signals a fun outing, it may spark feelings of excitement and joyful anticipation. If it’s for a busy day ahead, it often brings about a sense of preparedness. However, for some, a backpack can evoke sheer terror.
This is especially true for a child like Sofia, who has experienced life as a foster kid, moving between homes with her backpack as her only constant companion. Over time, these transitions can instill symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder, making even a simple backpack a reminder of past upheavals.
When I first packed a backpack for Sofia, she had been living with us for eight weeks. My maternity leave had ended, and I needed to prepare her for daycare. Her colorful little backpack, filled with extra clothes, pull-ups, and a cozy blanket for nap time, sat innocently on the floor. But that innocent sight triggered an overwhelming response from her.
Sofia screamed in terror, her small hands ripping the zipper open with frantic energy. Clothes and blankets flew around the room as she threw herself backwards, hitting her head against the floor in sheer desperation. I was taken aback by the intensity of her fear and anger. At just 32 months old, her lack of vocabulary made it impossible to explain that daycare was only for seven hours—not a night or a weekend, and certainly not forever.
As she continued to thrash and scream, I attempted to comfort her, but she was caught in a whirlwind of emotions. This was the beginning of my understanding of her deep-rooted fear of being packed and moved to another unknown destination.
Fast forward to eleven months later, we decided to take a short trip to a hotel in New Hampshire. Despite the snowy landscape, we were excited about the warm pools and the break from our routine. We prepared her for days, emphasizing the temporary nature of the stay and how we would all be together.
Yet, upon arrival, her anxiety escalated. “Are you leaving me? Is this my home?!” she cried, her face flushed with panic. Sofia’s history of being shuffled between homes had left her with an ingrained fear of abandonment. Each time she was handed over to a stranger or slept in a new bed, the trauma compounded.
Now older, she can grasp the concept of time better, but her anxiety remains a barrier to enjoying new experiences. While my biological children grew up associating backpacks with adventure, Sofia’s past makes every trip fraught with tension.
Recently, I took Sofia to meet other moms and their children. Before we even got in the car, she began to unravel, anxious about the unknown. I tried to guide her through her feelings, encouraging her to express her worries. For a brief moment, as we drove through the countryside, I caught a glimpse of peace in her demeanor. The breeze, the sun, and the scenery seemed to create a fleeting moment of calm.
But as we arrived, her anxiety transformed into chaos. After a couple of hours filled with brief moments of joy, her fear erupted into an uncontrollable rage. I quickly had to remove her from the situation, apologizing to our hosts as we left. The drive home was filled with her shouts and accusations. I wished I could have handled it better—wished I could have comforted her instead of feeling overwhelmed myself.
Despite the struggles, I hope that one day, she will associate the sight of a packed backpack with excitement rather than dread. The desire for her to experience a mix of thrill and comfort, especially when encountering new places and experiences, remains a constant wish of mine.
For anyone navigating similar journeys, you might find valuable insights about home insemination in this related blog post, which can offer support and resources. For those interested in further information, check out this excellent resource on donor insemination.
Summary
The article explores the emotional turmoil faced by a foster child, Sofia, when confronted with the sight of a packed backpack. It delves into her history of trauma and anxiety stemming from multiple transitions between homes, which complicate everyday experiences like travel. Despite the challenges, the hope for a future where Sofia can embrace new adventures remains strong.