Parenting
By Jamie Carter
Updated: Sep. 10, 2023
Originally Published: May 31, 2018
My daughter, nearly five years old, is a force to be reckoned with. She is spirited and vibrant, with emotions that run deep. She never shies away from confrontation and holds her own in any situation. With a quick wit and an ever-present spark of energy, her intensity can pose challenges in parenting, yet it will undoubtedly empower her as she navigates life.
My daughter is transgender, and her tenacity will be essential in a world that often fails to understand transgender individuals and the complexities they face. She will need to harness her fierce spirit when confronted with negativity or doubt, reminding herself that she is loved and deserving of respect. While her bold nature can lead to disagreements at home, her gender identity is not what complicates parenting her.
In fact, there are times when I forget she is transgender. Just like her hair color or eye shape, being transgender is simply another aspect of her identity. I don’t constantly think about my daughter’s gender identity, nor do I visualize a bright neon sign above her indicating it. I don’t spend my days pondering, “How is my transgender daughter faring?” or “Oh dear, my transgender child has once again left her toys everywhere.” Instead, I send her support throughout the day, feeling frustrated with her in the same way I do with my other children.
My daughter is much like any other child. She adores the colors pink and purple, and her long, golden hair often tumbles around her face in soft curls that she impatiently brushes aside. She loves to snuggle and be read to, despises waking up for school, and is notorious for sneaking desserts while avoiding vegetables. She eagerly competes with her siblings in games and races, striving to be the first in everything. Her expressions of annoyance and joy are equally striking; she can shoot a piercing glare or light up a room with her smile.
However, everyday situations sometimes serve as stark reminders of the unique challenges we face as a family. Recently, as the weather transitioned from snowstorms to warm spring days, my children were eager to don their summer clothes. As we searched through a collection of hand-me-downs for shorts for her, we found bathing suits but had to set aside the ones without skirts.
My partner and I don’t explicitly explain to her why certain clothing is unsuitable; we simply select items that best suit her needs. This applies to our eldest daughter and son as well, but boys’ clothing typically doesn’t present the same challenges. Girls’ clothing tends to be tighter and smaller, complicating matters for a girl with male anatomy who wishes to wear what her peers do.
If my daughter wears bike shorts or a bathing suit without a skirt, she could unintentionally reveal her anatomy, leading to uncomfortable and potentially unsafe situations. While it is unacceptable for anyone to scrutinize a child’s body, the reality is that many transgender girls use thick underwear or chest binders to conceal their differences. We want to protect her from individuals who might question her identity based on what they see.
My daughter is undeniably female. Yes, she has male anatomy, but she identifies as a girl.
As we prepared for her kindergarten registration and the associated paperwork, my partner and I took steps to change her gender marker on her birth certificate. We consulted our lawyer, pediatrician, and various resources, and we discussed our plans with her to ensure she understood and supported the changes.
When we explained the hospital’s error in labeling her as a boy on her birth certificate, she was incredulous. We sought her permission to correct this mistake, wanting the world to recognize her as the girl she is. Her response was clear: she wanted us to act quickly.
Weeks later, we received confirmation from our lawyer that the court had approved the change. Upon receiving her new birth certificate, she carried it around proudly for days. It was validation — proof of her identity, not that she needed it beyond her own sense of self.
As she prepares for kindergarten this fall, I realize that while I often forget her transgender identity during our daily life, it becomes a focal point regarding her education. Ryan entered preschool as a girl, and the support she received from the school and her teachers during her transition was commendable. Her preschool experience mirrored those of her peers in every way.
Yet, as she steps into a larger, more unpredictable environment, I am acutely aware of the need for advocacy. I met with the school principal last fall to prepare for her first day. For nearly a year, I have advocated for staff training on transgender issues to ensure they are equipped to support her and engage with parents and students who may have questions or misconceptions. I have also pushed for an LGBTQ-inclusive curriculum.
While my efforts are specifically for my daughter, they serve a broader purpose — ensuring a safer and more inclusive environment for all students, particularly those who may not yet feel able to express their identity. Every student, educator, and parent benefits from a school committed to teaching acceptance and understanding. These advocacy moments remind me of the importance of my daughter and all transgender youth. When fighting for their rights and protection, the reasons for being in the ring are never forgotten.
However, it’s perfectly natural to sometimes overlook the label. My daughter is beautiful, fierce, and delightfully stubborn. She has a contagious laugh and, at the end of the day, she’s just a child who enjoys ice cream and loves dolphins. I want others to recognize her existence and see her for who she truly is. While I respect her transgender identity, I hope that people can appreciate the entirety of her being, as I do.
This article was originally published on May 31, 2018.
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Summary:
In navigating the complexities of parenting a transgender child, the author reflects on the daily experiences that often overshadow her daughter’s gender identity. While advocating for her daughter’s rights and protections within the educational system, the author emphasizes the importance of recognizing her daughter as a whole person, beyond just her transgender status. The journey includes practical challenges, emotional milestones, and the ongoing commitment to fostering an inclusive environment for all children.