TRIGGER WARNING: Contains descriptions of sexual assault.
Last Friday, I embarked on my workday much like any other, with a bowl of cereal and a refreshing iced coffee, enjoying the luxury of television while working from home. However, instead of my usual home renovation or cooking shows, I decided to dive into Season 2 of 13 Reasons Why on Netflix.
This series, notorious for its raw and harrowing depiction of suicide, premiered its second season on May 18. While the first season revolved around Hannah Baker’s tragic end, the second season shifted focus to bullying, violence, sexual aggression, and sexual assault. I was aware that these themes would play a significant role, as they had been established in the first season, but the emotional impact of the show truly resonated with me in an unexpected way.
Despite the heaviness of the series, it pushed me to confront my own past and share my story of sexual assault as a teenager. I felt compelled to reach out to my younger self, to the innocent 15-year-old girl I once was, on that fateful day. Here’s what I would say to her:
Hello, dear one.
I wish I could ask how you’re feeling, but I already know the answer. Right now, you’re trembling and scared, filled with confusion and shame. You feel tainted and undeserving, thinking of yourself as “a slut.” Just this morning, you were brimming with optimism and teenage excitement, looking forward to a double date with your best friend.
The location was a public park, a safe space where you expected laughter and connection. However, things took a dark turn during the hour-long drive. A shift occurred, and the boy you cared for transformed into a monster.
He pulled off to a secluded rest stop, far from the fast-food restaurant, and leaned in for a kiss. You hesitated, giving a light peck before pulling away, only to see anger flash in his eyes—eyes you will never forget. He unzipped his pants before you could even process what was happening.
You wanted to scream. (Even now, nearly two decades later, I still want to scream.) That was the first time you had ever seen a penis in real life, and as you struggled to voice your refusal, your words were trapped in fear. You sat in silence, paralyzed by horror, waiting for the moment to pass.
“Touch me. Play with me. Suck me off.”
But you didn’t. You stammered, desperate to find the right words.
“I…I…”
“C’mon. You’re my girlfriend, right?”
You nodded, thinking about how, at 15, niceness equated to dating. But all you really wanted was his affection.
You kept repeating those syllables, hoping he would understand your fear. He sensed it, but he was not afraid. Not then. Not ever.
“Suck it or get out.”
He threatened to abandon you in a deserted parking lot, miles away from home, without a way to contact anyone.
“Please…don’t.”
You felt you had no other option.
In that moment of dread, you did what you thought was necessary to survive, giving a blowjob in a car, your body bent and your head hitting the dashboard. Afterward, you wiped your mouth and eyes with tissues, donning sunglasses to hide the pain as you spent the rest of the day at a theme park with someone who had just violated you. You wore a smile, forced to pretend everything was fine.
This was a secret you didn’t want anyone to uncover. But I’m here to tell you, dear one, that what happened does not define you. It does not make you bad or crazy, and you are not alone. You are not to blame.
The world may attempt to cast blame upon you—suggesting your clothing choices, your words, or your actions led to this assault. You carry the weight of “what ifs” and “if onlys,” haunted by the notion that you should have fought back. But you are not a slut or pathetic, as the world may imply. You are a victim—one of sexual assault.
You may struggle to accept this reality since he was your “boyfriend.” How can someone you know inflict harm? But the truth is that 93% of juvenile victims are assaulted by someone they know. You knew him well.
Today, I am speaking out for you. For me. For all those girls and women who are too afraid or ashamed to share their stories. We deserve to be heard.
Let me repeat this: This attack was not your fault. The actions of this boy do not define you, and none of this is your responsibility. While you may feel like a victim, remember you are more than this moment. This event may shape you, but it does not have to be the story that defines your life. There is hope, there is help, and there is so much more waiting for you.
So, please remember to be kind to yourself. If you find your voice, speak up. Scream it out, because your story matters. You matter. Always.
This article was originally published on May 29, 2018.
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Summary:
In this reflective piece, the author shares her personal journey of coming to terms with her past sexual assault, inspired by the themes in Season 2 of 13 Reasons Why. She addresses her younger self, emphasizing that the assault was not her fault and encouraging victims to speak out and seek support.