“Uncle Jamie, is she your girlfriend?” My heart raced, reminiscent of my pre-coming out days. How is it that, despite being openly gay for the past decade and actively involved in LGBTQ advocacy, my six-year-old nephew was unaware of my sexual orientation? This moment made me reflect on the unspoken truths that often go unnoticed. If my sister’s son lacked this understanding, how many other children might be in the same situation?
In my discussions with various parents, it became clear that many felt their child was too young to grasp such concepts. There was a palpable discomfort surrounding the topic. This intrigued me because I distinctly remember realizing my own sexuality at a young age—around the same age as my nephew. Research from KidsHealth, a branch of the Nemours Foundation, indicates that by ages 2 or 3, children begin forming their gender identities. By ages 3 to 5, most children have a clear understanding of whether they identify as boys or girls. It’s also during this period that they absorb crucial attitudes about sexuality from their parents. Between ages 6 and 10, children’s curiosity about themes like pregnancy and gender roles flourishes, leading to questions such as “Where do babies come from?” or “Is she your girlfriend?” This age is also when external influences, which I refer to as “messages from the playground,” start shaping their perceptions.
These playground messages are the underlying beliefs we form during childhood. Regardless of background, we all internalize certain societal cues that shape our worldviews. I began to wonder how many parents had considered the possibility that their child might be LGBTQ. It’s not necessarily a matter of homophobia but rather a byproduct of the heteronormative society in which we live, where being assumed straight is the default.
The term “benign neglect” refers to an approach that involves ignoring a sensitive issue that one has a responsibility to address. This concept, proposed by Daniel Patrick Moynihan in 1969, suggests that overlooking certain social issues can have detrimental effects. During a lecture, it was suggested that benign neglect and systemic racism are interlinked, as evidenced by tragic events such as the death of Trayvon Martin. Just because neglect appears benign doesn’t mean it is harmless; failing to communicate about LGBTQ topics sends a message of discomfort that can perpetuate feelings of shame and guilt.
When my sister avoids discussing her gay brother with her children, it conveys discomfort and implies that being gay is different or wrong. As a child, I sensed the silence surrounding my identity, which led to internalized homophobia and feelings of shame. It’s crucial to recognize that shame can manifest in various harmful ways, including unhealthy relationships and self-destructive behaviors. Renowned researcher Dr. Brené Brown highlights that children often begin to suppress their true selves around middle school, particularly during the “creativity slump” in 4th and 5th grades. Her studies reveal that children burdened by shame are at a higher risk of suicide and engaging in high-risk behaviors.
Shame is a common human experience, but for many in the LGBTQ community, the closet becomes a breeding ground for it. Research shows a strong correlation between shame and addiction, as well as a connection between shame and suicidal tendencies. According to The Trevor Project, suicide is the second leading cause of death among individuals aged 10-24, with LGBTQ youth being four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers.
Addressing shame head-on can prevent it from taking root. Initiating challenging conversations with children early on does not endanger them; rather, it protects them. My sister may or may not have a gay child, but it’s important to acknowledge that her child will interact with LGBTQ peers. Studies indicate that between 2-10% of Americans identify as LGBTQ, not accounting for those who are still in the closet.
If you’ve ever pondered whether a child in your life might be LGBTQ, engage in that conversation. Silence can be just as powerful as words. The debate is no longer about whether LGBTQ identities are a choice; it’s about how to unconditionally support children. By being open, supportive, and vulnerable, we can change the course of a child’s life.
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In conclusion, early discussions about LGBTQ topics are vital for fostering acceptance and understanding, protecting children from feelings of shame and isolation, and promoting a healthier emotional landscape for all.