Updated: May 4, 2020
Originally Published: May 10, 2018
Each Mother’s Day brings forth a wave of emotional tributes across social media, celebrating nurturing mothers—those who embody love and guidance, serving as role models and heroes.
Yet, for many, including myself, this day is fraught with dread. As I scroll through heartfelt messages, a familiar feeling of jealousy rises within me, accompanied by a haunting question: why isn’t my experience like theirs?
It’s not that I crave public accolades. My preschool son expresses his love through joyful giggles as he playfully blows raspberries on my post-partum belly (thanks to my newborn son!). Instead, it’s that nagging inner voice that whispers doubts about my worthiness and the absence of nurturing support from my own mother.
The one predictable characteristic of my mother is her unpredictability. Rather than serving as a guide in my parenting journey, she exemplifies the exact opposite of how I wish to raise my children. While social media is filled with stories of mothers who cherish their adult children, my mother’s interactions feel sporadic and self-serving.
When I revealed my pregnancy with my first son—after a long journey of trying—her immediate response was that we’d have a “yuppie baby” she couldn’t love. As I approached labor, terrified and seeking comfort, I asked her to be present, only to be met with the cold reply that she had a vacation planned.
Her behavior swings from affectionate and humorous to cruel and dismissive. One moment, she showers my son with kisses; the next, she labels him a brat for skipping his nap, which she insisted on for her own whims. For context, she isn’t permitted to take him swimming alone due to a past incident where she believed babies float, resulting in me sinking in our apartment pool.
Finding a Path Forward
How can those of us with erratic, narcissistic mothers learn to reconcile our feelings and move forward? I’m unsure. But I cannot be the only one grappling with the anguish of feeling abandoned by the very person who should provide unconditional love. This absence creates a void that I continually strive to navigate as I parent.
Despite this, I am not alone in my journey. I am fortunate to have a supportive partner, two wonderful children, and friends who have become my family. Nonetheless, every Mother’s Day prompts me to reflect on what I’m missing, and I can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness and jealousy regarding the maternal bond I long for.
Then I remind myself of my own sons—whom I have never endangered—and recognize that while I may not have the mother I desired, I can be the loving and supportive parent they need.
Resources for Support
For those seeking guidance on similar journeys, there are resources available, such as this excellent site on pregnancy and home insemination from the CDC. Additionally, if you’re exploring fertility options, check out our other blog on couples’ fertility journeys for intracervical insemination.
In summary, navigating Mother’s Day can be challenging for those with difficult maternal relationships. While feelings of jealousy and sadness are natural, focusing on the love and support we can provide to our own children is essential.