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By Jenna McCarthy
Updated: Feb. 17, 2021
Originally Published: April 27, 2018
My partner and I have celebrated 14 years of marriage and have been together for over 18. Nearly two decades of togetherness brings about numerous occasions for gift-giving: birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Days, Christmases, and even Mother’s and Father’s Days. Altogether, this results in at least six opportunities for exchanging gifts, or at the very least, a heartfelt (and often overpriced) card.
Throughout the years, we’ve experienced both triumphs and misses in our gift exchanges—ranging from significant gifts, like the puppies we received on our first anniversary, to smaller, quirkier ones. Yet, these days, my favorite “gift” is the one we share: absolutely nothing.
Yes, you read that right—our mutual gift to one another is the absence of gifts.
Before you assume we’ve become an unromantic couple, allow me to clarify. This so-called “nothing” is actually quite meaningful. It signifies our understanding that we’re both swamped with responsibilities and don’t need to waste time hunting for cheesy cards that will inevitably end up in the recycling bin. It’s a conscious recognition that we’re in the thick of life—busy and often overwhelmed—and that we don’t need to tack on another task to our already overflowing to-do lists. Plus, it reinforces the idea that we don’t have to wait for a specific day, such as an anniversary or birthday, to express our feelings for one another.
And for those who might interpret this as a self-sacrificing partner feigning indifference, that is certainly not the case. Our agreement to forgo gifts is just as much a gift for me as it is for him. I genuinely don’t want to add “find a mediocre anniversary card” or “browse online for something my partner might not want” to my endless list of chores.
Here’s the truth: my partner is a challenge to shop for, and we’ve reached a point in our lives where we can meet our own needs. If I desire a massage, I schedule one myself. If he needs new shirts or grilling tools, he makes those purchases. There’s no need for guesswork or dropping hints about things we want but can easily obtain ourselves—only to end up disappointed because (surprise!) our partner couldn’t read our minds.
Of course, we still acknowledge our anniversaries and birthdays. We share sweet glances and reminisce about that magical Saturday afternoon 14 years ago when we exchanged vows. We might even snuggle on the couch for a few moments after the kids are in bed before one of us (usually me) succumbs to exhaustion. We take the time to honor the commitment we made so long ago, a commitment we continue to nurture every day.
While tangible gifts are lovely and it feels great to know that your beloved thought of you when selecting something special, the best moments come from spontaneous acts. A few weeks ago, my partner surprised me with a throw pillow that read, “I heart my awesome wife.” That wasn’t for a birthday or anniversary; it was simply a thoughtful gesture on an ordinary Tuesday. He often surprises me with bags of candy bars after a tough day or leaves sweet notes around the house for no particular reason.
It’s these gestures that truly matter, not obligatory presents for special occasions. I can’t recall what my partner gifted me for my birthday two years ago, but I will always remember that throw pillow, the candy bars, and those heartfelt emails sent on an unremarkable Thursday afternoon.
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In summary, the most meaningful gifts often come from the heart rather than from a store. The absence of obligation allows us to appreciate our relationship on a deeper level, fostering genuine connections through small, thoughtful gestures rather than materialistic exchanges.