In my family, there’s a long-standing tale about my great-grandfather and his seven brothers, who agreed to reunite in Nova Scotia after emigrating from the “Old World.” However, my great-grandfather found himself in St. Paul, MN, which we often joke is the reason for our family’s notorious lack of direction. For the last two decades, I’ve found myself lost more times than I can count. Relying on maps, then MapQuest, and now GPS applications like Waze, these tools have been essential for my navigation.
In life, my guiding compass was my mother. She served as my north star, the person I called 3 to 5 times daily. She was present for both of my children’s births, and during a job interview, when asked about my problem-solving approach, I instinctively replied, “I call my mom first — she’s my sounding board.” My mother had an extraordinary ability to provide unwavering support while also holding me accountable when necessary. Although I married my soulmate, my mother was my true kindred spirit. Last week, I witnessed her take her last breath. Now, I find myself adrift, grappling not only with the absence of the best person I’ve ever known but also without my steadfast guide.
What do I do the next time my daughter performs an incredible lip-sync routine and I yearn to share the video with my mom? Who can I turn to for advice when I’m at a loss about a conflict with my husband? When I’m overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy as a mother, whom do I seek for reassurance? While I have friends, a brother, my dad, and my husband to lean on, none of them can fill the profound void left by my mother’s absence.
The past few weeks have been filled with tears, yet amidst my sorrow, I find a measure of perspective. I was there for my mother’s passing, yet she was spared the pain of witnessing my demise. Though her life ended too soon, I recognize that this was her gift to me — that she never had to bury her child. I also take solace in the fact that my mother lived for 16 years following a heartbreaking cancer diagnosis, with 14 of those years spent in relatively good health. She attended my wedding and formed bonds with my children, relationships that I once believed were impossible at the time of her diagnosis. These memories are treasures, yet they do little to soothe the aching gap in my heart.
In this time of grief, my community has enveloped me in love. The outpouring of affection from my mother’s lifelong friends, as well as those she met more recently, has been overwhelming. Upon returning from Florida to sit shiva, my home was filled with visitors for three full days, many of whom never knew her but felt connected through my stories. My community is nurturing my family — providing meals, offering rides, giving hugs, and checking in frequently. Still, I wrestle with the question of how to navigate life without my mother.
I understand I am not alone in this experience; many have faced this heartache. Countless individuals are fortunate enough to have had the most incredible mothers. However, for me, my mentor, best friend, and hero is no longer here to share in my joys, laughter, or guidance. Many have offered me the comfort of knowing that “she is always with you.” While I believe this to be true, I am currently navigating life as if I were blindfolded, trying to pretend I can see.
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In summary, losing my mother has left an irreplaceable void in my life. While I cherish the memories and support from my community, I am still learning how to navigate a world without my guiding star.