“Did you really just do that?”
“What were you thinking?”
“Why on earth would you make that choice?”
“Are you out of your mind?”
NO. NO. NO.
You must resist the urge to react this way when your child makes a poor decision. Every fiber of your being may scream to unleash a torrent of frustration over their colossal blunder, but it is crucial to exercise restraint and transform this moment into an opportunity for growth.
That is your responsibility as a parent. If you fail to glean a lesson from their error, you will only compound their mistake with one of your own.
So, how should I approach my child after they’ve messed up?
Most likely, I will say things I shouldn’t.
I may express feelings I will later regret.
There will be words I feel guilty about afterward.
But, ideally, I can avoid all of that.
In preparation for an event I sincerely hope never occurs but know is inevitable, I have crafted a guiding script that I aspire to remember in the coming years.
To My Child After Your Mistake,
I love you.
I love you more than anything. I choose to begin our serious conversation with these three words because they convey the importance of your place in my life. I want you to internalize this truth, especially now.
You have made a mistake. You have faltered. You have acted in a way that is not acceptable.
Guess what? I have made mistakes too.
You might be feeling sad—perhaps because you’re in trouble or because you’ve hurt someone else.
You might feel embarrassed—ashamed that your actions reflect poorly on you.
You may be disappointed—either in yourself or worried about my disappointment in you.
You might feel scared—fearing the repercussions of your actions.
Conversely, you could feel completely indifferent. You may not care about your decision or its impact on others because you are focused on yourself. You might not feel embarrassed at all, hiding behind a facade of indifference. You may not be disappointed in yourself or worried about my feelings because you think I will love you regardless.
If you don’t sense the need to recover from this, then I can only say “wow,” and not in a good way.
But here’s the thing: I’m feeling sad.
It hurts me that you are feeling down, and even more so if you are unbothered by how your actions may have affected others.
I’m embarrassed.
I feel ashamed that you may not have thought your actions through, reflecting poorly on my parenting.
I’m disappointed.
I am disappointed in both you and myself for allowing things to reach this point.
I’m scared.
I worry about the consequences you will face and those I will face as well.
Often, when individuals make poor choices, it is for attention. I hope that’s not the case for you.
Sometimes mistakes happen when people are simply not thinking clearly, and I hope that applies here. A lapse in judgment can be corrected. I urge you to reflect on your values and how you embody them. As your parent, it is my duty to model these values more effectively.
It was your choice that led to this situation. While the term “stupid” is not commonly used in our home, your actions warrant its use.
However, hear me clearly: your actions were regrettable, but they do not define you. You are a fantastic person who made a poor choice.
Regardless of the specifics of your mistake, remember this:
Mistakes lead to self-growth.
Mistakes reveal insights about ourselves and others.
Mistakes foster learning.
Your errors provide lessons for both of us: for you as an individual and for me as your parent.
I love you dearly.
I love you more than anything.
You have made a mistake, but the most essential thing to remember in the aftermath is that you are loved, and any damage can be repaired through your actions and your continued belief in your incredible potential.
Love,
Mom
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In summary, mistakes are part of growth, and as a parent, guiding your child through their challenges with love and understanding is vital for their development.