As parents, we often encounter various developmental “phases” that our children go through, which can sometimes feel overwhelming. Currently, my household is facing what I call The Emotional Phase. My oldest tween has transformed into a moody, scowling individual from the moment she wakes up.
If an adult were to respond to me in the same way she does, I would be taken aback. Yet, her politeness outside the home is a small comfort. It doesn’t, however, alleviate the frustration I feel at home. Initially, I tried to rationalize her behavior with excuses like lack of sleep, school stress, or hunger, but these reasons fell flat given that she’s getting enough rest, enjoys school, and isn’t starving.
After a particularly rough morning, I proposed a playful challenge: for every eye roll or sarcastic comment, she would owe me a dollar. Thankfully, her aversion to losing money made her rethink her attitude that day. However, I realize that such tactics can’t always be my go-to, and I need to find more constructive methods.
So why has my daughter seemingly landed on “Planet Attitude”? The answer lies in the complex cocktail of hormones and a budding desire for independence. This new need for solitude can be tough for me, as my instinct has always been to offer comfort and conversation when she’s upset. However, it became clear that a different approach was necessary.
Here are four strategies that have proven effective:
- Practice Silence: As someone who enjoys conversing, I find it challenging to hold my tongue. However, I’ve learned that remaining quiet can prevent escalation. Recently, I even put on headphones and listened to music while washing dishes to avoid engaging in a back-and-forth. By creating this peaceful space, both my daughter and I have room to reflect and regain our composure.
- Create Distance: When the tension peaks, I suggest that she takes a break—whether to her room, a walk, or simply relaxing in the hammock. Occasionally, she resists, so I take the initiative to leave the space myself. A brief separation can work wonders to diffuse the situation and help us both regain perspective.
- Exercise Patience: It’s essential to remember that the lovable child we know still resides in that prickly exterior. By allowing her the space to process her emotions without pushing her to talk, she often comes around on her own. When she does, the remorse is usually evident in her expression.
- Engage After the Fact: Once the storm has passed, perhaps after school, I approach her with light, non-threatening questions to gauge her mood. When discussing her behavior, I find the word “disappointed” to be particularly effective. It resonates with her, prompting her to acknowledge her actions and typically leads to a heartfelt apology.
Adopting these strategies has made a noticeable difference in our interactions. Just the other day, after a tense episode, she headed off to school with a wistful look, as if she wanted to return for a hug but opted for a simple wave instead. I remind myself that this phase is temporary, and it’s part of her growth.
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Summary
Managing the emotional challenges of a tween requires patience, space, and strategic engagement. By implementing silence, creating distance, exercising patience, and engaging later, parents can foster healthier interactions during these tumultuous phases.