Updated: June 8, 2018
Originally Published: Feb. 1, 2018
As a woman transitions through motherhood, particularly after the demanding early years of raising toddlers, there emerges a unique phase often referred to as “momopause.” This is a time when, having emerged from the haze of early parenting, she starts to rediscover herself. Perhaps it’s during a quiet moment in the shower that she realizes she is no longer the center of attention for little ones. The soothing sound of water cascading on her skin replaces the cacophony of children’s cries, and for the first time in a while, she feels genuinely rested—having enjoyed a full night’s sleep without little bodies encroaching on her space.
When she attempts to get dressed, the stark realization dawns that all her bras are those with detachable flaps—a relic from her nursing days that ended two years ago. This revelation signals a trip to the store, perhaps Victoria’s Secret, and hints at a long-awaited opportunity to reclaim her identity. Yet, instead of pure excitement, this moment is often overshadowed by a blend of emotions. She clings to her well-worn bras, a connection to a time that, despite its challenges, seems almost idyllic in retrospect. As tears flow, “momopause” officially commences.
Typically, momopause sets in around three years after the last child has transitioned from babyhood. During the initial stages, her mind begins to challenge the logical decisions made regarding family planning, interspersing them with vivid memories of newborn scents, cozy cuddles, and the joy of first milestones—juxtaposed against alarming thoughts of aging alone, career stagnation, and the image of herself surrounded by a dozen indifferent cats.
In this tumultuous mental landscape, it’s common for women to experience emotional shutdowns, over-sharing, and deep introspection about their life choices. Fantasies about adopting every needy child and reckless notions of abandoning her existing responsibilities in search of a greater purpose swirl around, often culminating in the consumption of a full bottle of wine once the children are asleep.
The Phases of Momopause
The duration of momopause is not easily defined, as it varies significantly among individuals. However, it does resemble the Kübler-Ross model of the “5 Stages of Grief,” as it progresses toward acceptance. The journey typically includes the following phases:
- Fertility Denial: Despite her partner’s vasectomy, she clings to decade-old yoga pants, just in case.
- Anger at New Life: Reflecting on a career abandoned for motherhood, she grapples with feelings of resentment towards society’s inadequate maternity policies.
- Bargaining: Desperately, she implores her partner for one more child, believing it will bring her fulfillment.
- Depression: The realization hits that she doesn’t truly want another baby; she longs for autonomy and plans for personal growth, only to find herself tethered by her current responsibilities.
- Acceptance: Finally, she resolves to embrace her new identity, acknowledging how motherhood has shaped her while striving to balance self-care with family commitments.
Once acceptance is achieved, a woman often emerges revitalized and empowered, ready to navigate the complexities of life with renewed vigor—just in time for the onset of perimenopause.
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In summary, momopause is a transitional phase characterized by a blend of reflection, emotional turmoil, and ultimately, acceptance, as mothers navigate their evolving identities while managing the demands of family life.