Growing up, I witnessed my mother’s struggles with her mental health, particularly after my parents’ separation. I often felt responsible for her distress, believing that I could have alleviated her burden somehow. As my son approaches his third birthday, I find myself increasingly anxious about how to navigate my own mental health challenges in front of him. To prepare for future conversations, I decided to pen a letter for him to read when he is older.
Dear sweet child,
As you grow up, you may notice some of my behaviors that seem puzzling. You might wonder why I react strongly when others say something unkind to you or why I hesitate to let you ride your bike too far from home. I ask about your day and feelings frequently because I want to ensure you’re okay. You might find it strange that I clean the house obsessively or that I sometimes get upset over seemingly trivial matters like a forgotten grocery item. And on special occasions, you might catch me tearing up while watching you open gifts.
There may be instances when I advocate for you with teachers or parents over issues you didn’t even recognize, or you might be curious why I rise early on weekends to enjoy some quiet time alone. You might notice that I occasionally mix up your name with our pets or your father’s, as my thoughts can become jumbled. During those moments when I seem lost in thought, you may want to check in on me.
As you get older, you’ll see how diligently I manage our finances—not just for your education or future needs, but also to prepare for unexpected challenges like illness or job loss. The uncertainty of not being prepared can heighten my anxiety. You’ll likely notice that my moods can shift rapidly, and you might connect that to the days when I forget to take my medication.
If you wake up in the night to find me watching over you, please don’t be frightened. I cherish those moments when I can feel like your protector, knowing you are safe.
The world can be daunting, filled with stories of dangers that make my heart ache. While the likelihood of these events is low, the fear can be overwhelming. I remind myself to trust in God, even when my fears are loud.
I am thankful every day for you and ask for strength to be the best version of myself for your sake. My love for you is profound, but I fear that my mental health issues may sometimes interfere with my ability to be the mother I want to be. I worry that my mood swings or anxiety might lead me to react harshly over minor issues, or that my need for a tidy home could distract me from your needs.
If you ever find yourself feeling confused or think you might have upset me, remember, it’s not your fault. Nothing you could do would ever diminish my love for you. Sometimes, the bond between a mother and her child can lead to emotional responses that are hard to control. Some mothers face tougher battles than others in managing their feelings.
You are truly perfect just as you are. I am the one who may struggle with anxiety, mood fluctuations, and other challenges. My greatest hope is to cultivate enough self-control to be the loving, nurturing mother you deserve. I am sorry for the times when I falter, and I ask that you understand it’s not about you, it’s about me.
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Summary:
This letter conveys a mother’s heartfelt message to her son about the complexities of her mental health struggles and the love she holds for him. She reflects on how her experiences may impact her behavior and reassures him that his worth is never in question. The letter aims to foster understanding and connection as he grows.