I’ve come to realize that my title as a stay-at-home mom is a bit misleading. In truth, I’ve been functioning more as a personal coordinator and social planner for my four children. And you know what? I’m ready to step back. Somewhere along the way, I unwittingly accepted this role, and while I’m not entirely equipped for it, I’ve found myself juggling eight meticulously color-coded calendars across five devices. It’s comical, really.
Sure, I seem deep in thought in the photo above, but really, I’m just trying to manage an online invitation for my son’s birthday party.
I’m guessing I’m not alone in feeling bewildered by my current role. Like many moms (and fewer dads), I’m the one organizing my kids’ social lives, arranging their schedules, and ensuring they have everything they need for their activities. Why is it that I don’t have an assistant like myself?
When my children were younger, this was manageable. However, as my older kids have entered their pre-teen years, the enthusiasm for planning playdates has waned. While I still enjoy coordinating activities for my younger ones, I struggle to do the same for my bigger kids. In our current parenting culture—especially in bustling cities like New York—it feels almost impossible to let go.
Just the other day, I found myself texting a friend, asking if her son could “come over for a playdate” with mine. I paused, realizing that calling it a “playdate” seems a bit odd now that they’re older. Instead, I rephrased it to ask if her son could “hang out” with mine. That felt more appropriate. Alas, the response was that he was busy with soccer and a family event.
Sometimes, I wish we lived in the suburbs, where kids can just wander outside, knock on doors, and play together. My husband often reminisces about how he grew up without scheduled playdates, riding bikes and simply enjoying time outdoors with neighborhood friends. He looks at our currently hectic Manhattan lifestyle and wonders when kids are supposed to have unstructured time to relax and connect with their friends.
Realizing that my approach isn’t the only way, I’ve started encouraging my kids to reach out on their own. Last weekend, I handed my son the phone numbers of four of his friends’ parents. “Call them and see if your friends are free,” I instructed. Excitedly, he took on the challenge, like a kid opening a new Lego set.
However, as expected, all his friends were busy with their own tightly packed schedules. It’s tough to foster spontaneous play when every kid is racing to sports, tutoring sessions, and planned events. By the time they finally connect, it’s often time to head back home.
As a parent of four, the logistics of arranging playdates can be overwhelming. For instance, just last Friday, my daughter wanted to go to a friend’s house after school. I had to rearrange my entire day, which involved countless texts and phone calls—eating up precious time I could have spent with her.
So here’s my suggestion: Let’s create a more relaxed environment for our children. How about we encourage them to arrange their own hangouts by making phone calls instead of sending texts? Remember those old home phones with long cords? They required real conversation, not just emoji-laden texts.
We could also consider more carpooling, allowing kids to converse on the way to activities. Let’s open our homes to each other’s children and keep some days free for group playdates. Perhaps we could even coin a term like #FriendshipFridays?
At the very least, we should agree to cut down on the endless back-and-forth texts just to set up a single playdate. I often find that I spend more time coordinating plans than actually enjoying them. Let’s simplify this by making a phone call, setting a date, and leaving it at that. No confirmations or follow-up messages needed.
If we all stepped back from our personal assistant roles, our kids would benefit immensely. They would learn critical social skills, time management, and prioritization. Plus, we might find more time to nurture our own friendships, which is an invaluable lesson for our children. After all, I can’t get through a day without my wonderful friends, and I want my kids to grow up valuing those connections as well.
And let’s be honest, I could certainly use the extra time. Can’t you?
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Summary
In this article, Alex Monroe discusses the overwhelming role of being a personal coordinator for her children’s lives, recognizing the need for a more organic approach to social interactions among kids. She encourages parents to let their children arrange their own playdates, reducing the logistical burden on themselves and fostering independence in their kids.