Updated: June 24, 2020
Originally Published: Dec. 7, 2017
Gratitude is a topic that often feels oversaturated, and this year, I chose to step back from it. Perhaps it’s because I see myself as an “ugly American” or because I share some of the same entitlement as today’s youth. It could also be that so many others have explored this theme so thoughtfully that I just don’t feel the need to add my voice.
For instance, my friend Mia writes eloquently about finding gratitude amidst life’s challenges, while another friend, Leo, discusses the importance of thankfulness even when suffering from heartbreak. Others have approached this subject with such care that I feel less compelled to contribute my own thoughts.
A Moment of Reflection
As I began unpacking our holiday decorations this year, I stumbled upon an ornament I had been searching for. It had been years since I had last seen it, and rather than feeling grateful, I felt somewhat indifferent. The ornament—a fragile angel—reminded me of dates I would rather forget. Unbeknownst to me, my partner, Jake, despises this ornament as much as I cherish finding it. He hides it away each year, while I yearn to uncover it, to hold onto the memories it evokes.
This year, however, I was quicker than he was. As I traced the contours of the angel, I was reminded of my oldest daughter’s questions about the age gap between her and her younger sister. Why did we wait so long before welcoming another child? I once explained to her that she had more siblings waiting for us in heaven than we could ever hold in our arms. We had lost three before her, but this year, I suddenly realized I had forgotten one of them.
The Pain of Forgetting
There were four dates listed on the ornament’s tag, and I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. How could I forget? I recounted the losses to my daughter, saying there were indeed three siblings that preceded her, but the tag indicated four. My heart raced as I tried to remember which child was missing. Was it the third or the fourth?
I recalled the heartbreak of 2008—two losses occurring in November, right around Thanksgiving. Hospital visits that should have been filled with joy turned into moments of grief. I remember one had normal chromosomes, and doctors believed we should have held her. The others, however, were not meant to be. The dates etched on that card are a painful reminder; each one is a testament to lives we never got to celebrate.
As tears blurred my vision, my oldest daughter wrapped her arms around me from behind, offering comfort. “Oh, Mommy,” she whispered. I expressed my disbelief at my own memory lapse. How could a mother forget? We wanted them all just as much as we wanted her and her sister. Her hug tightened, grounding me in that moment.
Finding Gratitude in Perspective
While I cannot be grateful for the loss and the pain, I have found a new perspective. Our youngest daughter is about to celebrate her birthday this month. She represents hope after so much heartbreak. After her birth, we made the decision to stop trying for more children. No more self-administered shots, no more anxiety about reaching full term. Her arrival filled a void left by loss and allowed us to celebrate life rather than dwell on death.
We keep the memory of our other children close, as my partner Jake reminds me: “They’re already in heaven. The two who matter most are right here with us.” For this, I feel a deep sense of gratitude.
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Summary
In this reflection, I explore the complexities of gratitude, especially in light of loss. While I grapple with feelings of forgetfulness regarding my children who have passed, I also find solace in the joy that my youngest brings to our family. Ultimately, embracing a new perspective allows me to appreciate the lives we have while honoring those we’ve lost.