I’m a person in recovery from alcoholism, and I want to share the lessons I’ve learned after reaching the lowest point in my life. Today, quitting is not an option. Just a single slip or a moment of self-indulgence could strip away everything that brings me joy and purpose. To outsiders, my life might appear dismal: I barely get by paycheck to paycheck in a cramped condo with my three kids. It’s common for me to wonder how I’ll afford gas or groceries, and my credit score sits at a staggering 450. Divorced and often relying on my elderly mother for financial support and household help, I find myself at 39 just starting my first career. Yet, amidst this struggle, I am filled with gratitude.
Hitting Rock Bottom
No one wants to plunge into the depths of the emotional and physical suffering that I endured. My story is a tragic one, fitting every stereotype of an alcoholic mother. I hit rock bottom, using vodka just to quell the shakes and nausea. My last drink culminated in a blackout while driving at 10 a.m., having vanished from my job without a word. Court-mandated supervision marked my visits with my children. Despite everything, they still loved me, a contradiction I couldn’t grasp. They held on to hope, seeing the person I am today hiding beneath the chaos, waiting for me to emerge.
The Cycle of Addiction
I had become a master of broken promises and hollow apologies, missing birthdays and passing out in front of my kids. Alcohol led me to believe I could have just a few drinks to ease the withdrawal, but this disease is a deceptive one. It consumes the mind, body, and spirit, ensnaring families and innocent children. It had a tight grip on me, and I danced to its tune for far too long, believing its falsehoods and accepting its betrayals.
I felt unemployable, unreliable, and (as I thought) unworthy of love. Alcohol was not just a substance; it was my everything—my confidant, my source of courage and fear, my entertainment, and my reason to live. I desperately wanted to want to quit drinking, but the desire for alcohol was an ever-present craving.
A Turning Point
In the final months of my drinking, a sense of dread overtook me. I felt a premonition that something terrible awaited me every time I left a liquor store. Each morning began with a painful assessment of the previous night’s damage. The end was nearing; I no longer felt invincible or believed the lies of alcoholism.
I bought a gallon of vodka knowing I would consume it all. The fear was palpable, signaling the moment I needed to surrender. On February 3, 2014, I realized I didn’t want to die. The thought of losing my eldest daughter forever haunted me as I noticed her starting to distance herself. That Monday morning marked a shift; for the first time as an adult, I thought maybe, just maybe, there was a better way to live.
The Journey to Recovery
Thus began my journey: detox, a six-month stay in rehab far from my children, intensive therapy, and AA meetings. Gradually, I learned to appreciate aspects of myself. I rediscovered how to experience life sober—dancing, laughing, crying, and feeling emotions I had long suppressed. I committed to a new way of life, resolving to stay sober one day at a time.
I have inflicted pain on those I love, pain I can’t erase. But today, my children’s patience will not be in vain. I no longer care about my bank balance or credit score; my sobriety is my true success. I embrace acceptance, self-awareness, and gratitude, even for my darkest days, for they shaped who I am now.
A New Beginning
That faint glimmer of hope on a drunken Monday morning transformed my life forever. With the support from Alcoholics Anonymous, growing self-love, and my family, I have accumulated 1,347 days of sobriety, one moment at a time. I’ve never been happier.
Resources for Help
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Conclusion
In summary, my journey through alcoholism has taught me the value of gratitude and self-awareness. Recovery is possible, and with support, anyone can find a better way to live.