When a friend is under the weather, we instinctively know how to support them: we send an uplifting message, order a meal delivery, or offer to watch their kids for a bit. However, when it comes to moms dealing with chronic illnesses—like myself—friends often feel lost on how to help. I completely understand their confusion.
Having lived with chronic Lyme disease since I was 13, I understand that it’s hard to grasp what someone else’s life can be like unless you’ve experienced it firsthand. Being a mom with a chronic illness can often feel like being an outsider in a world where others may not comprehend the daily struggles.
Here are five things you should refrain from saying to a mom facing chronic health challenges, along with a better alternative for each.
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“I’m so glad you’re better now.”
This remark can be particularly jarring when I am having a rough day, struggling to even stand. Because my illness is largely invisible, people often assume that if I look fine, I must be feeling fine too. Instead, consider asking how I’m really doing before jumping to conclusions about my health. -
“So, when are you returning to work?”
Since resigning from my teaching position due to a relapse, this question has stung more than once. Leaving my career was incredibly difficult, and casually bringing it up can feel insensitive. A better approach is to ask about my health instead; if I’m struggling, the topic of work is likely a sore spot. -
“Let me know if you ever need help.”
While this phrase might seem supportive, it can come off as vague. Instead, offer specific ways you can assist. For instance, saying, “I know grocery shopping can be tough for you some days; I’m free on Thursdays to help with that,” makes it clear that you genuinely want to help. -
“At least you get to stay home with your child.”
While I appreciate the time spent at home with my daughter, it’s crucial to remember that my situation was not a voluntary choice. I didn’t pick this life; it was the only option due to my health. It’s better to steer the conversation towards neutral topics like the weather or hobbies. -
“When are you planning for another baby?”
This question can be quite painful. Family planning is complicated when living with a chronic illness, so it’s often best to avoid this unless you’re particularly close. Even then, tread lightly.
This list, while not exhaustive, aims to offer insight into the experiences of many moms with chronic conditions. If you find yourself unsure of what to say, remember that your actions often mean more than your words. Helping out in practical ways, asking thoughtful questions as your relationship develops, and simply being present can make a significant difference in their lives.
In the realm of fertility and supportive resources, you may want to check out some excellent information at Healthline and Intracervical Insemination. Also, for those seeking to enhance fertility, visit Make a Mom for helpful tips.
Summary
Supporting a mom with a chronic illness requires sensitivity and understanding. Avoid common pitfalls such as making assumptions about her health, pushing for work-related discussions, or casually mentioning family planning. Instead, offer specific help and be a good listener. Your genuine support can go a long way in creating a meaningful friendship.