Sexless marriage. Diminished desire. A life devoid of orgasms. Feeling disconnected from the man I loved. At just 28 years old, this was certainly not the life I envisioned.
From a young age, I embraced my sexuality; it was an important part of who I was. However, as I entered a loving, committed relationship, my libido took a sharp decline. First, I lost my natural lubrication, and then intimacy became painful. Embarrassed and ashamed, I withdrew from my husband, avoiding his touch and gaze, redirecting my energy toward mundane tasks like shopping and cooking instead.
I felt broken, unworthy, and trapped in a cycle of harsh self-criticism. When my doctors assured me that everything was medically normal, I was told it was “common” for women to lose their desire in long-term relationships. I wanted to scream, as that explanation felt anything but normal for me.
Despite feeling defeated, a flicker of hope urged me to dig deeper. I began questioning whether it was unreasonable to want more from my sexual experience. My rational mind wanted to resign, but my intuition encouraged me to embark on a journey of self-discovery that exceeded my expectations. I realized that what I was missing went beyond medical fixes — it was my connection to my own body, my sexuality, and most importantly, myself.
This journey led me to reignite my connection with my desires and pleasures, which not only felt gratifying but also nourished my soul. While I can’t offer you the secret formula for an amazing sex life (because only you have the keys to your own castle), I can guide you on a path to reconnecting with yourself, so you can feel liberated, excited, and confident in your own skin. As an intimacy and sexuality coach, I’m here to inspire you to believe in the possibility of such an experience for yourself.
1. Desire Begins Within
It’s a common notion that looking appealing will attract a partner, but being desired isn’t enough. You must learn how to desire for yourself. I found myself focusing more on how I appeared to him than on how I felt. I was preoccupied with what I thought would please him, instead of understanding my own needs and pleasures.
I had inadvertently outsourced my desire. I didn’t know how to want for me. I began asking myself what I truly desired — what felt pleasurable for me? I realized that embracing my own desire required agency and sovereignty — existing for myself rather than as an object for someone else.
This shift is often challenging for many, even those excelling in their careers but unaware of what feels good to them sexually. The truth is, we’re products of a culture that encourages pleasing others over our own pleasure. When we begin to shed the shame associated with prioritizing our own needs, our bodies can awaken with vitality.
2. Pleasure is Paramount
Let’s be frank: if sex isn’t pleasurable for you — if it doesn’t align with your desires — your body won’t crave it. There were countless occasions when I engaged in intimacy before my body was ready, and I held back my needs out of fear of upsetting my partner. This silence came at a cost; my body tensed, becoming numb and disengaged.
Every woman needs to understand this crucial fact: when your body doesn’t enjoy sexual experiences, it will naturally retreat from them. Our bodies communicate with us, often starting with subtle hints that escalate into louder signals if ignored. It’s our responsibility to listen and advocate for our needs, especially regarding pleasure.
The absence of my libido wasn’t a mystery or a medical anomaly; it stemmed from my silence when it came to discomfort. I had given without receiving, enduring experiences that didn’t feel good. Reconnecting with my body meant listening to its whispers and responding to its calls. As I began to ask for the type of pleasure I desired, my body responded eagerly, awakening to new sensations.
3. Embrace Your Truth
Nothing is more exhilarating than expressing what you truly want. When I learned to confidently ask for my desires and express my emotions openly, I found empowerment through honesty. Where anxiety once ruled, I discovered freedom and excitement.
Surrendering to the sensation of being seen — both in body and heart — transformed my sexual experiences. By standing up for my truth, I felt invigorated and eager for intimacy again. This openness also attracted partners who were interested in genuine connection.
If you’re curious about what this feels like, try this: when a hesitant thought arises suggesting you can’t say something, go ahead and speak it. Notice how your body reacts. Start small and gradually work up to bigger truths. This process is about revealing your authentic self, fostering intimacy and connection.
Ultimately, what I sought all along was genuine connection, and I was afraid to confront it.