Just a year ago, my partner and I found ourselves at a breaking point in our relationship. After two decades together, we had lost track of our priorities as a couple. A buildup of hurt feelings and unresolved issues led to a heated argument where I shockingly proclaimed, “I want a divorce.” This moment pushed us to seek help from a therapist, just a week after that fateful conversation.
Deep down, I still loved my partner, but my anger clouded my judgment. I felt as though we were beyond saving. Years of parenting and daily life had taken a toll, and I was uncertain we could mend our marriage. Fortunately, I was committed to healing, but I resolutely refused to pay someone to air our grievances in front of a stranger—after all, we could do that for free at home!
Together, we embarked on a journey to foster open communication and mutual respect. With our therapist’s guidance, we learned to express our feelings without criticism. For the first time in ages, we engaged in honest conversations about our daily experiences, and it was both eye-opening and humbling.
While our struggles didn’t originate from infidelity, we realized we were battling against what Dr. John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen—four detrimental behaviors that can derail a marriage.
1. Criticism
Gottman emphasizes that there’s a stark difference between a complaint and criticism. A complaint addresses a specific concern, whereas criticism attacks your partner. Through therapy, we learned to articulate our feelings, such as saying, “I felt hurt when you went for a run without me because I thought we had agreed to do that together,” instead of resorting to “You’re so selfish.” This shift in language has proven vital for our relationship’s long-term health.
2. Contempt
I like to refer to this as the “One-Upmanship Horseman.” Contempt manifests as disrespectful behavior towards your partner. My partner and I often fell into the trap of competing over whose day was harder—like when I would downplay his office job compared to my chaotic day with the kids. Over time, contempt can corrode communication, leading to resentment. Gottman warns that contempt is the leading predictor of divorce; thus, it must be eradicated.
3. Defensiveness
This Horseman is pretty straightforward. When we feel attacked, our instinct is to defend ourselves with excuses or counterattacks. Unfortunately, this only makes our partner feel unheard, and the blame game prevents resolution. Kicking defensiveness to the curb has been our biggest challenge, but we’re learning to express our feelings in ways that acknowledge each other’s value.
4. Stonewalling
Have you ever ignored your partner or buried yourself in your phone to escape a tough conversation? That’s stonewalling, the Horseman that often appears after the others have already made their presence known. Tuning out your spouse creates a brick wall that hinders honest communication. It’s a tough habit to break, but addressing the issues head-on is crucial for our marriage.
Therapy has been a lifeline for us. Although we’re in a better place than we were last year, we recognize that effective communication requires ongoing effort. Sometimes it feels unnatural, but we’re finding that practicing what we learned in therapy yields significant benefits. We’re determined to banish the Four Horsemen for good.
For more insights on relationships and parenting, check out our other articles, such as the one about the at-home insemination kit. You can also find valuable information on pregnancy at March of Dimes, and for natural health tips, visit Intracervical Insemination.
Summary:
Maintaining healthy communication is vital in a marriage. Identifying and addressing the Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—can significantly improve your relationship. Through therapy, couples can learn to express feelings constructively, fostering a more respectful and loving connection.